Dear Diary,
The pendulum is swinging back the other way, and I'm once again tending away from the idea of rejoining WW. As you know I've been struggling, really struggling, with this decision for weeks. On the one hand I have the earnest look in my doctor's eyes as she told me years ago "WW works." On that same hand is also the success I had in the past with WW, namely dropping 55 pounds.
On the other hand is the experience of hearing the same topics month after month, the environment of processed foods, and the routine of start out strong, lose interest, and do it all over again.
Late this week I was almost ready to log on to the web site and hand over my credit card info. I was this close, I tell you. And yet one thing or another came up to prevent my card, the computer, and me from being in the same place at the same time.
On Friday I a WW magazine ad featuring an NBA player. Yesterday I saw a WW television commercial featuring a celebrity singer. And I got to thinking, "Wait a minute. I bet those celebrities come with a great big dollar sign. Can I afford to pay a company to pay celebrities?"
That little jolt, along with some common sense found in Chubster by Martin Cizmar, have given me the nudge I need to try - once again - to take responsibility for my actions. It's something I need to teach my kids if there's any hope that they'll grow up emotionally and physically healthy. How can I expect my kids to learn to clean up after themselves when I don't do so myself? How can I expect them to make sound financial decisions when I fail to do so? How can I expect them to make good food choices, to be active, and not dependant on a multi-billion dollar industry?
I'm going to figure this out so that I can help them figure it out.
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Thursday, May 3, 2012
my musical pick-me-ups
Thankfully I have a rich musical repertoire in running 'round my mind, and my Self seems to know where to find what it needs in there.
This morning on the radio I heard Shonlock's Hello ("there's so much more to who you are"), and that seemed to unlock things for me.
A short while later I had Whitney Houston's voice singing "a lonely place to be, and so I learned to depend on me."
And then Brett Michaels "give me something to believe in."
I've got ideas about how to move forward now. Basically I need to move. Not treadmill move, but fun move -- like my dog spazzing out over her favorite ball.
I need to be a little brave and get back into a group exercise 'cause I love those. I've never found anyone in them to be anything but supportive and inspiring.
Gonna find the beat again. Sugarland.
This morning on the radio I heard Shonlock's Hello ("there's so much more to who you are"), and that seemed to unlock things for me.
A short while later I had Whitney Houston's voice singing "a lonely place to be, and so I learned to depend on me."
And then Brett Michaels "give me something to believe in."
I've got ideas about how to move forward now. Basically I need to move. Not treadmill move, but fun move -- like my dog spazzing out over her favorite ball.
I need to be a little brave and get back into a group exercise 'cause I love those. I've never found anyone in them to be anything but supportive and inspiring.
Gonna find the beat again. Sugarland.
Lost
Being lost wouldn't be so bad if I knew who could help me find my way. The past six months or seem in some ways to have been one blow after another: surgery, my dog's death, my dad's death, and a lingering injury.
In the midst of this I've lost confidence in my Self and in my ability to workout and to not be a slave to food. I'm spending so much time healing that there's not much left for anything else.
But I want to get back to healthy in mind and body. I want to find my way. And that lets me know that all is not lost, that I haven't succumbed.
Now if someone would just give me a map and hold my hand, maybe I can find my way again.
In the midst of this I've lost confidence in my Self and in my ability to workout and to not be a slave to food. I'm spending so much time healing that there's not much left for anything else.
But I want to get back to healthy in mind and body. I want to find my way. And that lets me know that all is not lost, that I haven't succumbed.
Now if someone would just give me a map and hold my hand, maybe I can find my way again.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
My Dad's Back
When my back hurts, the best thing I can do is to keep moving. It's part of Dad's legacy to me. How easy it is for me to see Dad reaching up with his fingertips on the door frame, stretching those lower back muscles; or walking slowly with a slight limp; or reacting suddenly to a back spasm. I picture those every time I find myself cautiously stretching my back, limping along, or gasping as a spasm rips through my lower back.
It's what happens to me when I don't move.
This weekend I didn't move much. Dad (Ed Esch, in case you didn't know) died unexpectedly last week, so on Sunday I found myself in a funeral home, receiving love and memories from hundreds of people whose lives he touched. Four hours of standing takes its toll on a back, as do several hours of sitting in a van to and from churches, a funeral home, and a cemetery.
The cure for this pain? Movement. The more I keep moving, the better I feel. I see some symbolism there, and I hope you do, too.
On the crosstrainer this morning, my lower back moaned in protest but felt a whole lot better than it does after I've sat for five minutes. I worked long and hard, and every now and then I'd take deep breaths in honor of my dad who couldn't do so. I pulled the air into my lungs and imagined the oxygen moving through my body, healing me and keeping me alive.
My faulty lower back is a bittersweet reminder of a dad who loves me. We're connected in our pain and in our determination to learn to cope with it, and not give in to it.
It's what happens to me when I don't move.
This weekend I didn't move much. Dad (Ed Esch, in case you didn't know) died unexpectedly last week, so on Sunday I found myself in a funeral home, receiving love and memories from hundreds of people whose lives he touched. Four hours of standing takes its toll on a back, as do several hours of sitting in a van to and from churches, a funeral home, and a cemetery.
The cure for this pain? Movement. The more I keep moving, the better I feel. I see some symbolism there, and I hope you do, too.
On the crosstrainer this morning, my lower back moaned in protest but felt a whole lot better than it does after I've sat for five minutes. I worked long and hard, and every now and then I'd take deep breaths in honor of my dad who couldn't do so. I pulled the air into my lungs and imagined the oxygen moving through my body, healing me and keeping me alive.
My faulty lower back is a bittersweet reminder of a dad who loves me. We're connected in our pain and in our determination to learn to cope with it, and not give in to it.
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
overcoming the judge
I could have given today entirely over to my inner judge, the one who looks at all the clutter in my life and sees failure; the one who condemns me for being involved in many activities; the one who criticizes my body, my skin, my hair, my teeth; the one who even threatens to spill over and poison those closest to me by paralyzing me with self-abuse.
My inner judge crept into my thoughts this morning. I succumbed for a while, but then I remembered lessons I've learned.
Thank God and Kathryn and Carol for bringing don Miguel Ruiz into my life. Ruiz helped me identify the judge - who it is, how it works - and gave me the power to recognize it and thereby to render it powerless.
I am no longer the victim of the judge. I'm doing the best that I can, and in being aware of that and being proud of that, I silence the judge. In silencing the judge I stop the self-abuse and I am alive again.
"We search for everything we believe we don’t have, not knowing that everything we are looking for is already inside us. We are born with it.
"God is life. God is life in action. The best way to say, "I love you, God," is to live your life doing your best." don Miguel Ruiz
My inner judge crept into my thoughts this morning. I succumbed for a while, but then I remembered lessons I've learned.
Thank God and Kathryn and Carol for bringing don Miguel Ruiz into my life. Ruiz helped me identify the judge - who it is, how it works - and gave me the power to recognize it and thereby to render it powerless.
I am no longer the victim of the judge. I'm doing the best that I can, and in being aware of that and being proud of that, I silence the judge. In silencing the judge I stop the self-abuse and I am alive again.
"We search for everything we believe we don’t have, not knowing that everything we are looking for is already inside us. We are born with it.
"God is life. God is life in action. The best way to say, "I love you, God," is to live your life doing your best." don Miguel Ruiz
Monday, April 2, 2012
April 2, 2012
Dear Diary,
It's been almost a year since I quit attending Weight Watchers meetings. I stopped attending meetings because finding time to attend meetings dropped down my priority list, I was annoyed by the company's pushing its line of processed foods, and I felt like I had all the knowledge I needed, and I could do it by myself.
Nearly a year later, I find that I've slipped back into bad habits, and I'm tempted to run back into the open arms of WW. I know that I succeed with WW.
I'm not going to do it though because
1. WW demands more dollars than I can allocate (I can hear the leaders arguing "It's an investment in your health");
2. My time is still at a premium (leader: "You need to make yourself a priority, and attending meeting is important. Members who attend meeting lose more weight and keep it off.")
3. (and this is the big one) At every WW meeting, WW leaders told me of all the people who quit the program, saying they could do it on their own, only to find they couldn't.
The facts are that my resources are limited, and the demands on them are high. All the WW arguments make sense, and I cannot deny the success I achieved with WW. It's a good program that helps many people.
But now I need to go one step farther. I need to be accountable to myself.
I want to prove that I can do it.
It's been almost a year since I quit attending Weight Watchers meetings. I stopped attending meetings because finding time to attend meetings dropped down my priority list, I was annoyed by the company's pushing its line of processed foods, and I felt like I had all the knowledge I needed, and I could do it by myself.
Nearly a year later, I find that I've slipped back into bad habits, and I'm tempted to run back into the open arms of WW. I know that I succeed with WW.
I'm not going to do it though because
1. WW demands more dollars than I can allocate (I can hear the leaders arguing "It's an investment in your health");
2. My time is still at a premium (leader: "You need to make yourself a priority, and attending meeting is important. Members who attend meeting lose more weight and keep it off.")
3. (and this is the big one) At every WW meeting, WW leaders told me of all the people who quit the program, saying they could do it on their own, only to find they couldn't.
The facts are that my resources are limited, and the demands on them are high. All the WW arguments make sense, and I cannot deny the success I achieved with WW. It's a good program that helps many people.
But now I need to go one step farther. I need to be accountable to myself.
I want to prove that I can do it.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
ME!
It'd have been so easy to go to sleep last night with a goal of sleeping soundly so that I could do everything everyone expects of me today. Instead, I went to bed with the goal of waking up early. I bet you know where this is going. In an answer to my soul's request of the universe, my Friend agreed to meet me at the gym at 5:30 this morning. I checked the clock at 3:30 and at 4:30, and finally got out of bed at 4:45.
When I arrived at the parking lot I was thinking about how very cold and dark it was outside. Then I saw that my Friend was there, and I forgot about the cold and dark.
We chatted into the gym where we exercised and talked.
And when we were done, my Friend asked if I'd like to do this again tomorrow. Oddly enough, the answer is yes. However, I asked her to please not call me if she wants to cancel; I'm still at the "I'll do it if you'll do it" phase. I'm afraid that if she doesn't go, I won't. I'd slip into "I need some rest so I can endure another day of doing what everyone else wants of me."
It's really hard to break the emotional chains of people pleasing. I'm working on it though, and in the process I'm grateful for all my buddies & Friends who lead by example, lend me a shoulder, give me a kick in the pants, and journey with me.
PS: My goal for today is to eat healthy. I've even logged into my online tracker!
When I arrived at the parking lot I was thinking about how very cold and dark it was outside. Then I saw that my Friend was there, and I forgot about the cold and dark.
We chatted into the gym where we exercised and talked.
And when we were done, my Friend asked if I'd like to do this again tomorrow. Oddly enough, the answer is yes. However, I asked her to please not call me if she wants to cancel; I'm still at the "I'll do it if you'll do it" phase. I'm afraid that if she doesn't go, I won't. I'd slip into "I need some rest so I can endure another day of doing what everyone else wants of me."
It's really hard to break the emotional chains of people pleasing. I'm working on it though, and in the process I'm grateful for all my buddies & Friends who lead by example, lend me a shoulder, give me a kick in the pants, and journey with me.
PS: My goal for today is to eat healthy. I've even logged into my online tracker!
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