regrouping

I hardly know where to begin.  I've been thinking a lot lately about how proud I am of some accomplishments of late:
   *  resuming weightlifting
   *  overcoming (w/ the help of a friend) a panic attack during Saturday's jog
   *  doing every single piece of 5k training homework
   *  tracking everything I eat -- not just the food, but the calories, too
   *  giving myself a day of no tracking and a little leeway in eating

I'm being hard on myself too:
   *   I haven't braved a swim suit yet this year, even when the air was stifling and the water was enticing
   *   I abhor everything I see in the mirror (sooner or later you have to look, even if it's just when washing your face -- and I'm not happy with any of it)
  *    I'm assuming that my appearance affects my hirability.

Today I feel like I'm paying my debt to society: I paid the fat tax for an upcoming flight.  Upon reading that one must fit entirely between arm rests 17" apart, I thought I'd better take a look.  It's not easy measuring oneself w/ a ruler, let me tell you.  I layed it across my lap, I sat on it, I stood with it.  No matter the position, the numbers were clear: either book a second seat for myself or half of my body was going to have to stay home.

I have to write this, I have to put it out there.  I have to use this motivation.  No matter what I've done, I can't stop.  I still have so much physical and mental work to do.  I can lift all the weights I want and walk a thousand miles, but if I'm winded from jogging or going up and down the stairs a few times, how in shape am I?

I'm proud and relieved that, for now anyway, I've got a good handle on healthy eating.  I'm going to need that because I've got a monumental goal ahead of me, and I'm going to have to learn to push myself through self-consciousness & panic attacks & public perception.

Reunited and it feels so good!

I haven't seen David in almost a year, not since my surgery.  For several months he didn't even cross my mind.  Then as I started back to the gym regularly I'd see his name and get to thinking.  Part of me wanted to go back, but part of me was ashamed for him to see what had become of me since last summer.

Remember David? The gentleman who seems to have trouble counting reps all the way to 12 (1, 2, 3, 3, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 7...)? The man who believes I can lift more than I think I can (and is always right)?

As fate would have it, a friend noticed the flier for Women On Weights this morning, and I - being the glutton for punishment that I am - volunteered to register if she did.

I spent plenty of time today wondering how WOW would go.  Would I be able to lift weights in the evening after starring in the role of Mom all day?  As always when it comes to fitness challenges, I wondered where I'd end up in the (non-existent) rankings.  I felt like an old dog coming out of my broken down dog house: a short-legged, big-jowled bulldog with a spikey collar but nothing to back it up.

Smith squat: I asked David to add more weight to the bar, and I heard some ooohs from my classmates.  And I felt some confidence come back.
Inclined chest press: I asked David to add more weight to the bar.
Leg press: I heard one of my classmates ask "Has she done this before?"  And I thought to myself "Why yes.  Yes she has.  And just watch what else she can do."

And then I was back and I had so much fun pushing myself to do more, all the way to the finale of upside-down crunches.

WOW - I'm back!

Dear Diary: Runner

Dear Diary,

I like jogging.  Even though it's practically a rain forest here this morning - even the newest batch of baby midgies were wearing swim suits at the track - I went to the track this morning and did my thing.

The 5K training program started Saturday morning (I'm sure there's room for anyone who forgot to sign up -- you know who you are.) and already I'm gaining confidence and a positive attitude.  When I faced a monumental struggle (putting on nylons) Saturday afternoon, I didn't question, doubt, and give up.  Instead I just made it happen. J

This morning at the track I didn't question whether I could finish my homework assignment.  I just did it, and then did a little more, just because I could.  JJJ JJJ JJ + J

My Secret Dream

I want to dance.

I want to do like the magnets say and "dance like no one is watching."  I want to take my little kitchen dances with my kids and my dog and expand it.

I love to watch So You Think You Can Dance every summer.  I love to watch Mama Mia and every wedding movie that has dancers in it.

I never attended high school dances, and though I attended middle school dances, I'm not sure I ever danced.

The last time I danced with joy - with middle school choir to Madonna's True Blue - a friend of mine laughed at me and my swinging hips (I don't remember all of it, but I do remember the laughing, the pointing, the "boom! boom!").  And from then on I barely moved for choir choreography, and I learned to be self-critical before others laid into me.

Wedding after wedding -- even my own -- I've been too self-conscious to dance.  I'm a sad geek who encourages her husband to go dance with others rather than sit on the sidelines with me.  (It takes a lot of convincing, but I can usually at least get him to leave my side for a polka.)

Now that The Biggest Loser isn't on Tuesdays, I've started watching Glee.  I borrowed the first two seasons from the library, and naturally I loved it.  Singing, dancing -- what's not to love?

One of my favorite numbers is this: Artie's Safety Dance.  Like Artie, I want to break out of what holds me back.  I would love to learn to do Artie's routine, complete with confidence & attitude, but for know I'd settle for having the courage to dance with my husband at a wedding reception tonight.

Week in Review

I had a pretty successful week.  I...
  *  worked out at the track 4 days
  *  jogged the track 3 times 
  *  bicycled errands
  *  didn't break into the kids' sugar bomb cereal
  *  had salad for 4 meals
  *  tried pilates
  *  registered my boy and me for a 5K training program -- committing us to train for and participate in an October 5K
  *  planted a garden with my girls
  *  danced in the kitchen with my youngest and our dog
  *  lost 2 pounds! 

Next week's goals:
  *  20 push-ups a day  (or 20 planks of at least 30 seconds each, during the week)
  *  find a stretching program
  *  do all my 5K training homework

 

P is for...

Today's adventure was brought to me by the letter P.  P is a fun letter.  It's used for push-ups and pedal.  It's also used for pilates, and since pilates looks like pirate, and I got a kick out of the pirate triathlon last summer, certainly I'd get a kick out pilates, too.  What's not to love?  Holding poses, seeing how long your muscles can hold out. Sounds like weightlifting, and I love weight lifting.

I. don't. like. pilates.  And here's why.

1.  Lack of endorphin rush.
2.  I spend lots of energy trying to uncramp my neck scar tissue and losing focus on what the exercises are meant to do.  And doing those bicycle things and scissor kicks while lying down makes my back and hip sound and feel like a pan of JiffyPop.
3.  No endorphins.  None.
4.  This is the big one for me, I think.  In addition to determination, pilates requires prolonged concentration and self-coaching.  When I exercise, I'm all about being my challenger and my cheerleader.  Concentrating is no fun.  Exercise for me needs some play.
5.  Did I mention that there are no endorphins to be found in a pilates workout?
6.  Unfortunately I ended up next to someone who's been practicing pilates for 8 years.  That person was probably a very nice person, but for the first time in a long time I couldn't get past feeling judged -- and the person probably wasn't even looking at me!  But because there was nothing to do but think about owies and not tipping over or how goofy I felt lying on my back with my feet way up there...  Nope the whole thing made me uncomfortable.

But one of the magnets on my refrigerator reads "Life begins at the end of your comfort zone."  Maybe I need to give pilates another chance -- stare it down, win the battle, and discover the treasure that makes it so popular with so many people.  I hope there are endorphins.

Happy-Dance Time!

Dear Whole Wide World,

I could hardly wait to get home and write.  Guess what I did this morning. 

I jogged 1/4 mile three times! 

I was going to be ecstatic enough after my first jogging lap, but by the time I'd finished a walking lap after that, I found myself jogging a second lap!

During my first lap I was jogging like Estelle Getty's "Sophia" on Golden Girls: shuffling, a little hunched over.  That, I decided, was probably why my upper back was hurting.  So when I started breathing again, I reminded myself to follow Cathy's advice and keep my shoulders back.  It worked!

I found my throat closing up almost immediately, par for the course when I jog.  This time though, I heard followed Carol's advice and thought for a minute to figure out what was bothering me -- was it physical or mental?  Turns out it was mental, the old self esteem issues.  I was really afraid of passing the walkers in front of me, for fear of being seen as slow, fat, and weak (ironic that I was afraid of being seen as slow if I was passing them, and weak when I was strong enough to push myself, but such is self esteem).  So I decided to jog behind them; not like a stalker, but using them like that little guy I follow when I Wii jog.  Whatever works.

During my second jogging lap I started a cadence, thanks to Kim.  Kim has a goal to weigh less than her husband, even for a day.  I love that goal and I decided a couple weeks ago that I'm going to weigh less than my husband.  It's a goal that makes me smile.  So when that lap started getting hard, I started "Less - than - Pat. (step)  Less - than - Pat. (step.)"  It worked!  I got through the mentally hardest part of the track!

During my third jogging lap I thought about how even though I was doing a solo workout, I was far from alone. 
  *  My dad was with me -- I saw his hospital room, where we spent our last days together; the track & football field I was on was one of his coaching grounds. 
  *  Cathy, Carol, and Kim were with me in the advice and inspiration they've shared with me.
  *  My husband was there in the pace that I kept.
  *  My kids were there in the memory of the times we've tracked together.
  *  The midges were there in a swirling banner of celebration.
  *  The Spirit that comes with the rising sun, with rushing wind, with silver clouds, and with water and trees was there, fully alive.
  *  And as luck would have it, there were three other people on the track.  While I was on my cool-down lap, one of the three happened to reshape the bumper on the car I'd driven.  C'est la vie.

I started jogging this morning because I'm going to register for this.  "This" is a 5K training program being run by Euclid Parks & Rec.  We'll meet Saturday mornings for a hour and have jogging homework.  Hopefully I've convinced a couple people I know to join me because I can't deny that I have doubts that I'll be able to jog a 5K by October. 

But I won't deny myself the thrill of trying.