On the upswing!

Armed a renewed optimism, here are just some of the reasons I'm smiling today.


1.  My surgeon tells me that my tympanic reconstruction and graft are healing very well.
         1A.  As one who avoids pills whenever possible, my glee at a prescription for antibiotics today defies description.  I'm putting my faith in these little white pills -- perhaps they'll lead me to the light at the end of the tunnel of surgery recovery.
         1B.  I took this good news straight to the bike store where I replaced my cracked helmet.


2.  I reheated - rather than charred - my black bean soup for lunch.


3.  Removing meat from my diet has been a huge boost to me.
         3A.  I'm not grossed out when I eat. 
         3B.  I appreciate the flavors of unsalted nuts. 
         3C.  I'm learning to make heatlhy vegetarian recipes, beyond steamed veggies as a side dish


4.  New bike helmet + road repaving nearing completion = I may get to bike before the snow flies!


5.  I've decided to add Wii workouts to my babysteps of getting my exercise fix.


6.  I'm about to embark on developing a new (and hopefully profitable) skill.


7.  I've got the greatest family, friends, challenges, and accomplishments I could ever hope for.


8.  I'm reminded of Lucy Maude Montogmery:  "It's not what the world holds for you, it's what you bring to it.
         8A.  I'm feeling like I may finally be ready again to bring something to the world.
         8B.  I'm eager to explore what the world does hold.  It owes me nothing, yet it's filled with possibilities. 


9.  I'm reading a thoroughly enjoyable book: Louisa May Alcott's Jack & Jill.  I recommend the many first pages to all who love home & hearth at Christmas time. 


10.  It's still cool and rainy, but will be sunny for Sunday's cyclocross at Sims Park!  I can't wait to see the event!

Validation for a new perspective 

Yesterday's blog was a bit of a downer, I know.  But I needed to put it out there for a couple reasons: 1. there's the thought that perhaps sharing my experiences will help someone else; 2. writing helps me work through my thoughts; and 3. it leads to happier blogs like this one.

The same day I found the Psychology Today article in my counselor's office, my counselor shared with me an article from More (October, 2011).  In all honesty, I never knew that such a magazine existed; its tagline is "for women of style & substance."  It looks like a fashion magazine, with Naomi Watts on the cover, and has articles about beauty products and anti-aging hair tips, but it the cover also has a story called "The Migraine/Addiction Link" and... get ready for it...

Fat? Who Cares!

Get a load of the opening paragraph: 

Doctors aren’t supposed to write prescriptions for medications they know don’t work. So why do they and many leading public health authorities continue to dispense advice that may be no more effective than a sugar pill—and might actually cause harm? In a landmark review published earlier this year in Nutrition Journal, the authors question why doctors and other medical experts routinely counsel over-weight people to get rid of extra pounds even though scientists, after decades of intense research, have yet to find a reliable prescription for weight loss (p. 162).

I love this article.  It's not a license to be fat for fat's sake, but it points out the dangers of focusing on fat and dieting, and shifts the focus to being healthy.  And really, that's what I'm trying to do: be healthy.  

Since saying no to eating meat, I've been much more cognisant of what I eat.  Now that I'm not internally balking at a portion of every meal, I'm learning how to make what I want to eat healthier.  For example, rather than fill my plate with chicken (which, to me, is cringe-worthy) and a helping of plain broccoli (which, though healthy, is a little lacking), I made a broccoli strudel which contained nuts and cheese.  While my family had meat with it, I used it as a main dish; and since the strudel was filled with fiber, I didn't overeat.

Again, focusing on health instead of focusing on not being fat: I'm able to look at long walks as a positive (I'm walking!  I'm outdoors!) rather than a negative (I'm not burning enough calories. I'm not sweating enough.). 

I'm building on my strengths and positives rather than beating myself up all the time.

Are there challenges to this?  Of course!  There's Halloween candy in my house and fundraiser chocolate bars for sale ($1 each, you know where to find me).  But instead of telling myself "I can't have that, I'm too fat," I've asked myself whether those things will help me reach any goal such as health or happiness.  So far the answer has  been no. 

And just like there's still the temptation to eat beyond nutrition, there's still the temptation to scratch.  Last night I worked hard to talk myself through it, having a "be gentle with yourself" internal dialogue.

"We'd all be much happier if we honored size diversity and focused on healthy choices, letting our weight fall naturally where it may (p. 166)."

(for more on loving ourselves, see http://www.operationbeautiful.com/)

I'm fortunate that I love exercise.  It's one of those tools I can keep with me as I work through the junk in my head that's been making me sick for so long. 

As The Proclaimers so lyrically put it:

I'm on my way from misery to happiness today!

I'm on my way to what I want from this world!

Image source

http://lyrics.wikia.com/The_Proclaimers

Stopping the hurt

I've been hurting.  And I've been hurting myself.

The article "The Enemy Within" in the October, 2011, issue of Psychology Today got to me not because it addresses the issue of comfort eating (which it does), but because it addresses self-injury. 

I started scratching shortly after entering a weight loss contest in January, 2011.  By February, my shoulder and legs were covered in bloody scabs.  My primary care doctor prescribed some anti-itch medication, with instruction to stop back if it didn't get better.


Four months later I returned to my doctor because the itching and scratching had progressed, and now I'd scratched so severely that I'd caused a huge bruise on my thigh, as well as the cuts on my upper leg, hips, shoulder and neck.  I had to be sure during the hot summer that my shorts would cover the cuts.


I saw a dermatologist who shined a vitamin light on my skin, leaving me with a burn that lasted a while.  He also prescribed lotions and an antihistamine which, I learned when I looked it up online, treated anxiety. 


The antihistamine, the light therapy, all the lotion seemed to help.  The itching stop, the bruising went away, but only temporarily.


I was tested for food allergies (negative). 

I gave up and just gave in to the scratching and bleeding.


And I kept eating for comfort.  And I knew I was eating for comfort.


So I called a very dear Friend in the mental health field and asked for the name of someone good, someone to help me break the comfort eating addiction.


My first appointment with my counselor was very helpful and very exhausting.  My drive home was one long God Moment.  I knew I was on the right path.  During the days between appointments, I listened and listened and listened.  And while I began to get a grip on eating, the scratching and bleeding continued.


This Saturday in my counselor's waiting room I picked up that issue of Psychology Today.  Almost immediately it stunned me.
          "Comfort eating is a common form of self-sabotage, especially when a person has weight concerns.... Less common is self injury/cutting to escape painful emotions....  [T]hey seem helpful at the time but are actually harmful to us, especially when repeated.
          "In response to an upsetting event they become so focused on it that they work themselves into an intense, painful state of negative emotion.
          "They... deploy self-sabotaging behaviors to short-circuit the emotional cascade, in the hope that physical sensations from the destructive behavior - the taste of food, the pain from self-injury, or the high from the drug - will distract them from upsetting thoughts (p. 57)."


And I finally realized I  scratch myself because in a weird way it makes me feel better.  I bet you've had to sneeze, and felt so good when the sneeze was out.  Or had a mosquito bite which caused you to scratch even when you knew better.  That's what this scratching is like, but it's about an unscratchable itch.  It's about feelings of helplessness, anger, fear, and resentment which refuse to be ignored. 


As I worked so hard this summer to do well in the contest, time and again I beat myself up for being a failure.  Even though I was reshaping my body, enjoying fitness, and achieving all manner of stronger and leaner, deep down I was disappointed with myself, embarrassed by my myself, and hating myself.


And while I comforted myself with food, I punished myself with scratching till I bled.


And I learned that scratching offers relief.  "...[S]elf-sabotage (such as self-injury or physical aggression) often feel[s] right because [it] help[s] us escape intense and uncomfortable negative emotions (p. 58)."

When negative emotions arose, I'd supress them by scratching myself.


Now that I realize what I was doing, am I cured?  Am I all better?  No.  Last night I scratched and scratched, though I'd like to think it was with less aggression than before.  This morning as the demands of the day began, and as I worked to be able to write this, the itching began.  For now I'm trying to simply pat or rub the itch away, not use my nails to harm myself.


It'll take hard work to get through this, I know.  I don't know if the urge to eat or injure myself for comfort will ever go away, but I want to try to beat the urge.  I'm hoping that as I get a grip on what's eating away at me, I'll magically transform into who I long to be.

Work in progress

I  recently took the first baby steps of post-surgery fitness: going for long walks, bike rides, and my first trip back to the gym.  I've also begun really working on me.  I've begun working with a counselor and am being very gentle with my self.  Such internal work is not something I can write about, and there are very few people I'd be willing to discuss it with.  I'm learning a new way of thinking.

Of great help to me recently was an article I found in Psychology Today. 

I imagine this blog will be quiet for a while, as I continue the private work of healing.  But the mental and physical progress continue: walks, bikes, and (months ahead) swimming.  I can hardly wait for triathlon season as the new me, different inside and out.

Kicked out

My husband kicked me out last night, and rightfully so.  I was suffocating in the stress of a month of surgery recovery followed by a virus which blew through the house, and I'd spent a string of days with no time to blow off steam.  I was mopey and snappy, and my husband lovingly and persistently suggested I go for a walk.

Thank God my husband loves me that much.  A walk is just what I needed.  Away from the phone, away from my beloved little darlings, away from dinner dishes which were giving me the evil eye, I was finally free of I shoulds and Would yous.

This was the first decent walk I've had in a month.  First some tendons in my legs awoke.  Then I began swinging my arms as my shoulders unclenched.  Yet I still had to fight the urge to stare at the ground, in a cocoon of solitude.

Eventually I remembered that we're on the brink of my peeping tom season.  Passing one house, I thought that if I sat down on the sidewalk in front I could watch the entire baseball game on the living room TV.  I love to walk by houses and see the glow of lamplight shining through the windows.  This is the beginning of the season of Home.

I had to get away from my home for a little while to be able to appreciate my love for home.

I walked for a decent half hour along a busy street and still felt restless, so I walked through a little wooded place to the beach.  Heaven above, it was beautiful.  The water was  deeply blue, the waves alive and moving, but not quite crashing.  The setting sun held off the darkness with fiery orange and yellow, and the breeze was gentle and cool.  I sat on a swing and immersed myself in the soothing, life-giving presence of the lake.

And when I finally walked home, I helped put our youngest to bed, hugged our older two, and thanked my husband for kicking me out so that I could be restored and come back home.

Vegetarian Progress Report

It’s roughly half a week since I last ate meat, and so far so extremely good.  The very best part is that I feel I’m returning to my authentic self.  Whether this sense of peace and clear-headedness is owed to a clear conscience regarding food, or to the cold, rainy weather we’ve been having, I don’t know.  All I know is that I feel really, really peaceful.

A couple of food highlights: I spent a few minutes this morning turning loads of locally grown basil & garlic and other good things into pesto to be used in the beautiful grey months ahead.  Earlier this week, I enjoyed a dish of lovely black bean soup with a tomato/mozzarella Panini.  And there was the joy of preparing an apple/cranberry crisp.

I think part of the sense of well-being comes from enjoying the ingredients I’m working with.  When peeling apples or pulling the leaves from basil plants, I feel an inner, timeless connection with those who have stood in kitchens and performed the same tasks.  I’m not distracted by revulsion and mourning for a chicken I’ve never met.

In my house this very moment are the same foods which tripped me up last week: Oreos, chips, and so on.  But they don’t hold the allure which herbs and grains, fruits and veggies do.

I'm also happy to report that a) since my most recent bike repair and despite roadwork, I've logged a few miles on my bike (especially handy to bike home after leaving the minivan with the mechanic); and b) I've found a counselor who, I'm hoping, will help me continue to learn to balance my needs with those of my family, friends, and society at-large.

And in the background of all this I occasionally set my sights on those two triathlons next summer.

Like I said, so far so good.

Exploring

Wow.  You know the saying about when a door closes, a window opens?  Well, I told the universe I was ready for a change, and doors and windows were all blown to kingdom come.  I recognize that if I try to follow all the possibilities I’ll be as shattered as said doors and windows, so I’m going to take deep breaths and force myself to slow down.  I’m going for whelmed here, not overwhelmed.

One of the ideas I’m exploring is vegetarianism.  As long as I’m developing healthy eating habits, why not explore something that’s been deep within me for years?  The seeds were planted way back in my childhood when I’d chew (and chew and chew) overcooked pot roasts and start thinking of what exactly I was chewing.  The first and last time I tried ribs, the smoky/fleshy smell zipped my memory straight back into the oral surgeon’s chair while he burned away the roof of my mouth in order to expose impacted teeth.  When I come across veins and rubbery things when preparing chicken, I feel ill.  And fish just isn’t an option.  The only meat I’ve been comfortable with has been meat in disguise: so processed into a hot dog or deli meat that I can fool myself into thinking they’re made from grains and water.  And what’s the point of eating fatty, salty, processed materials?

Another idea I’m exploring is yoga.  When I look at yoga books or DVDs and see poses my body is not designed for, I cringe and question.  But when I dig deeper and learn about the mind/body balance aspect, I feel more confident that yoga may be a useful tool for me.  And happily I know of at least three yoga instructors in my area.

I toyed with the idea of vegetarianism in the past, but wasn’t mature enough to handle the commitment.  I still may not be ready, but at least I’m mature enough to realize that.  For the most part, I’m excited about eating according to my inner voice.  I’m hoping that yoga, along with prayer and counseling, will help me clarify that inner voice in regards to not just food and fitness, but self.

And I’m excited for more bike rides and hikes, learning tennis from a Friend, and kayaking next summer.  And two triathlons next year.  J