My Dear Friend,
I've spent quite an amount of time lately trying to understand God, questioning, exploring, opening, and coming to new understandings. In that new understanding I recently prayed a private prayer.
This morning for the first time in months I felt a twinge in my back when I tied my shoes, my knee felt wobbly on the stair, and somewhere in my head refrains from my Catholic school days came back to me, focused on part of Psalm 118:24 (yes, I had to google it): "This is the day..."
The rest becomes poetry and paint and prayer that I will not share here, my Friend. I trust you'll understand that those are too fragile for our forum.
What I hope to be able to share with you in the days ahead is the effect.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Overcoming Helter Skelter
I'm not sure whether to blame it on the death of
my dog in November, or the ramped up holiday schedule, or the pressure to
resolve myself into a perfect person for the New Year. Perhaps it was nervous
energy about the long road ahead between where I am and where I want to be in
terms of weight, parenting, career, and self. Maybe it was because the
triathlons aren't until (at the same time already in!) July but other
mettle-proving events come up much earlier.
Whatever the cause, I can only say that I cracked under the pressure. Going to the gym on a regular basis - whether early morning, midday, or night - was a struggle which took more energy than I held in reserve. At best I was getting there twice a week, but I'm pretty sure once a week was it.
My food intake was out of whack and out of control. With each unhealthy bite I imagined myself an alcoholic reaching for the bottle. I saw it but I was too wiped out to stop it.
Volunteering at three different schools (if I don't do it, who will?), at my place of worship, and at an animal shelter; navigating vegetarian recipes for me with kid-friendly recipes for my finicky one with regular good food for the rest of the family; holding it together under the requests and demands of family; losing sight of my husband, my friends, and me. No wonder I couldn't summon the energy to get out of bed at 5:30a.m. and found myself falling asleep at 8:00p.m.
In the last week or two I gave myself permission to not go to the gym for a while. I made the moderate choice to take our new dog for walks. I gave myself permission for one bite of foods I had mentally banished. I gave myself permission to not write and to not feel guilty or scared about not writing. I eased up on myself.
True to form, I let my worries build up in me. There were times when the external demands have been so great that I all I could do was cover my head, tornado drill style, and hope it would all pass me by.
It was pointed out to me several months ago - and it's stuck with me - that in the Christian "Our Father" one prays for "our daily bread," not for a week's worth, a year's worth, or a lifetime's worth. The wisdom is akin to that of eastern teachings: "Be here now."
My body is a symbol for my life. Right now it shows the effects of living completely helter skelter. It has poor posture and full saddle bags. I want my body to reflect the care I put into my life: good posture, strong muscles, leaner lines.
I want to take care of myself so that I can do all those things which are important to me and be there to help those I love.
Whatever the cause, I can only say that I cracked under the pressure. Going to the gym on a regular basis - whether early morning, midday, or night - was a struggle which took more energy than I held in reserve. At best I was getting there twice a week, but I'm pretty sure once a week was it.
My food intake was out of whack and out of control. With each unhealthy bite I imagined myself an alcoholic reaching for the bottle. I saw it but I was too wiped out to stop it.
Volunteering at three different schools (if I don't do it, who will?), at my place of worship, and at an animal shelter; navigating vegetarian recipes for me with kid-friendly recipes for my finicky one with regular good food for the rest of the family; holding it together under the requests and demands of family; losing sight of my husband, my friends, and me. No wonder I couldn't summon the energy to get out of bed at 5:30a.m. and found myself falling asleep at 8:00p.m.
In the last week or two I gave myself permission to not go to the gym for a while. I made the moderate choice to take our new dog for walks. I gave myself permission for one bite of foods I had mentally banished. I gave myself permission to not write and to not feel guilty or scared about not writing. I eased up on myself.
True to form, I let my worries build up in me. There were times when the external demands have been so great that I all I could do was cover my head, tornado drill style, and hope it would all pass me by.
It was pointed out to me several months ago - and it's stuck with me - that in the Christian "Our Father" one prays for "our daily bread," not for a week's worth, a year's worth, or a lifetime's worth. The wisdom is akin to that of eastern teachings: "Be here now."
My body is a symbol for my life. Right now it shows the effects of living completely helter skelter. It has poor posture and full saddle bags. I want my body to reflect the care I put into my life: good posture, strong muscles, leaner lines.
I want to take care of myself so that I can do all those things which are important to me and be there to help those I love.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
I wonder: Should I continue blogging?
Dear Diary,
I've been overwhelmed by the task of writing lately.
I wonder
whether anyone beyond loved ones read what I write or are positively affected by what I write
whether my writings are less reflective and more self indulgent
whethr there is a need in the world for this blog.
I'm certainly finding my way toward balance -- no longer consumed by fitness I'm making it a smaller piece of my life. I'm working on eating healthfully, mindfully.
Life holds so many interesting lessons and activities.
Do I keep blogging?
I've been overwhelmed by the task of writing lately.
I wonder
whether anyone beyond loved ones read what I write or are positively affected by what I write
whether my writings are less reflective and more self indulgent
whethr there is a need in the world for this blog.
I'm certainly finding my way toward balance -- no longer consumed by fitness I'm making it a smaller piece of my life. I'm working on eating healthfully, mindfully.
Life holds so many interesting lessons and activities.
Do I keep blogging?
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
BL:13-2
The Biggest Loser is the only show on
television I make time to watch. This season, inspired by the example of Marie,
a friend I've never met (here's her blog), I've decided to indulge myself in a weekly post
about my thoughts of and reaction to the show. In thanks to Marie for showing
me it's okay to write about a TV show and as a tool to help myself write my
weekly BL pieces, I think I'll address these to Marie. But even if your name
isn't Marie, you're welcome to read.
Dear Marie,
It's Tuesday afternoon, just hours away from the next episode of BL, and I still haven't written to you about last week's episode. I blame it on:
* the dog we adopted on Wednesday morning following the show -- meaning I was busy getting to know her while watching the show I'd recorded
Dear Marie,
It's Tuesday afternoon, just hours away from the next episode of BL, and I still haven't written to you about last week's episode. I blame it on:
* the dog we adopted on Wednesday morning following the show -- meaning I was busy getting to know her while watching the show I'd recorded
* and the little bit of annoyed I'm getting by the tone of this season so far. The trainers are coming across as petulant divas, as evidenced by Bob's pouting "I can't believe he's using my exercises to train his team." I need less focus on trainer drama and more focus on the contestants.
Nonetheless I did get one-and-a-half things out of the episode.
1. When a nutritionist had all the contestants in a grocery store, she said to them (lightning bolt moment for me): "Treat your grocery cart like your stomach." And I thought to myself "Why didn't I think of that before?" With the exception of meat of any variety, if it ends up in my cart, there's a strong chance it'll end up in me. So why, why, why do I purchase foods I have so little control over?
.5 At the end of the show a player was booted off just as he was beginning to crack the shell of his angst. I'm glad I have it recorded, because I think there was something to that part. Too bad he went home just then and the producers didn't delve deeper in his exit interview.
I won't be around to watch tonight's episode either, Marie, but I can hardly wait to make time to watch it.
Ack! Was that running I just did?
Dear Diary,
Ohmygodohmygodohmygod. I was really, really scared on the treadmill today. I started 5K training today, using the Couch To 5K program at www.coolrunning.com. I've started it before, but usually freaked myself out by looking ahead to the weeks when I'd be jogging for more than 8 minutes straight.
So I told myself "Don't think about those weeks, just start with Week One, Day One." I did read ahead though and figured out that the program - as far as I can tell - assumes a 10-minute mile. My mile is usually anywhere from 12-18 minutes, so I knew 10 minutes would be something new for me. But, hey! The first week is jog 60 seconds, walk 90 seconds for 20 minutes. Surely I can try.
I got through the first set fine. During the second set I started getting scared. By the third set, even though I was going along fine with nary a cramp in my side, I was absolutely terrified. I wanted to sit down and cry, leave the gym, have someone hug me -- I was scared.
And I have no idea what I was afraid of.
I didn't hit the 6mph rate again till about 1 minute left, when I'd calmed myself down a bit.
I still don't know exactly what scared me so much. Some things I remember being afraid of:
my heart rate was 179
my arms were plumping like Ballpark Franks
the treadmill was whining, and the faster I went, the more siren-like the belt sounded
But why was I so worked up that even after I was in my car, heading to the grocery store, my teeth were nearly chattering from fear?
I wonder if anyone else has experienced this.
Ohmygodohmygodohmygod. I was really, really scared on the treadmill today. I started 5K training today, using the Couch To 5K program at www.coolrunning.com. I've started it before, but usually freaked myself out by looking ahead to the weeks when I'd be jogging for more than 8 minutes straight.
So I told myself "Don't think about those weeks, just start with Week One, Day One." I did read ahead though and figured out that the program - as far as I can tell - assumes a 10-minute mile. My mile is usually anywhere from 12-18 minutes, so I knew 10 minutes would be something new for me. But, hey! The first week is jog 60 seconds, walk 90 seconds for 20 minutes. Surely I can try.
I got through the first set fine. During the second set I started getting scared. By the third set, even though I was going along fine with nary a cramp in my side, I was absolutely terrified. I wanted to sit down and cry, leave the gym, have someone hug me -- I was scared.
And I have no idea what I was afraid of.
I didn't hit the 6mph rate again till about 1 minute left, when I'd calmed myself down a bit.
I still don't know exactly what scared me so much. Some things I remember being afraid of:
my heart rate was 179
my arms were plumping like Ballpark Franks
the treadmill was whining, and the faster I went, the more siren-like the belt sounded
But why was I so worked up that even after I was in my car, heading to the grocery store, my teeth were nearly chattering from fear?
I wonder if anyone else has experienced this.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
New year, new class, new trainer
FINALLY! Today's the day I can resume WOW (Women On Weights) class! I thought I'd write before & after the class, just 'cause I like writing. Having learned that it's better to lift after cardio, my plan is to do just that: cardio, then weights. Here's what I'm wondering:
1. How much strength have I lost since September?
2. How long will it take to rebuild that strength?
3. Will there be other classmates this time? (Note to Self: DON'T COMPARE YOURSELF!)
4. What will my new instructor and her workout style be like?
***
AFTER THE WORKOUT
OH - I remember this. My arms are so tired that my forearms are resting on the desk while my fingers struggle to type. I have to say that I'm extra super proud of myself because before WOW I cross-trained 350 calories off my body! I beat my standard! And THEN I put my body through weightlifting! (!!!)
Now to answer my morning's questions.
1. How much strength have I lost since September? I have no idea, but I know I'm still strong. I did all manner of things and lots of 'em and with added weight. There's no use trying to be what I was, there's only going forward from where I am right now.
2. How long will it take to rebuild that strength? One rep at a time.
3. Will there be other classmates this time? Yes, there was another woman with me, and while we have different abilities, we have the same determined mindset, so we'll be good together.
4. What will my new instructor and her style be like? A swimmer (yay!) who's training for a half Ironman in May (yay!), she's down-to-earth, knowledgeable, friendly and encouraging.
This is gonna be good.
1. How much strength have I lost since September?
2. How long will it take to rebuild that strength?
3. Will there be other classmates this time? (Note to Self: DON'T COMPARE YOURSELF!)
4. What will my new instructor and her workout style be like?
***
AFTER THE WORKOUT
OH - I remember this. My arms are so tired that my forearms are resting on the desk while my fingers struggle to type. I have to say that I'm extra super proud of myself because before WOW I cross-trained 350 calories off my body! I beat my standard! And THEN I put my body through weightlifting! (!!!)
Now to answer my morning's questions.
1. How much strength have I lost since September? I have no idea, but I know I'm still strong. I did all manner of things and lots of 'em and with added weight. There's no use trying to be what I was, there's only going forward from where I am right now.
2. How long will it take to rebuild that strength? One rep at a time.
3. Will there be other classmates this time? Yes, there was another woman with me, and while we have different abilities, we have the same determined mindset, so we'll be good together.
4. What will my new instructor and her style be like? A swimmer (yay!) who's training for a half Ironman in May (yay!), she's down-to-earth, knowledgeable, friendly and encouraging.
This is gonna be good.
BL 13-1: No Excuses
The Biggest Loser is the only show on television I make time to watch. This season, inspired by the example of Marie, a friend I've never met (here's her blog), I've decided to indulge myself in a weekly post about my thoughts of and reaction to the show. In thanks to Marie for showing me it's okay to write about a TV show and as a tool to help myself write my weekly BL pieces, I think I'll address these to Marie. But even if your name isn't Marie, you're welcome to read.
Dear Marie,
When I first heard that this season's theme would be No Excuses I think I scoffed a little. I know about excuses and I stopped using them long ago. No time? Make time! Too fat? Who cares? Too expensive? Go around the block! Well, except for that deep down I did have one excuse: I don't know how to push myself. That excuse was my ticket to the show. They've never shown a contestant who knows what to do but just can't seem to do it. Until this year. In my pre-show excitement I went to the show's contestant web page to see which contestants would captivate me. And this year it turns out that there's not only one but two female athletes who've lost their way.
Now that the show has two people with a story similar to mine, I'm thinking my odds of ever getting on the show are even lower.
And I thought about it, Marie, and I saw a great irony: Karin's Excuse No. 1: part of me uses the show as an excuse to not lose weight! I recognized that part of me is so fascinated with the idea of the whole ranch experience that it's willing to hang on to some pounds in order to still meet the requirement of having at least 85 pounds to lose.
Yikes! Now that that excuse has come to light, it's up to me to choose whether to continue to hold back for a 'just in case' which may never come to be, or to give it my all right here, right now.
Which leads me to Karin's Excuse No. 2: I'm not at the ranch. Before the contestants even walked through the doors to the BL ranch they participated in a competition, the losing team of which wouldn't set foot on the ranch until a month later. The show has done this before, and I've always a.) thought how awful the losing contestants must feel having jumped through all the hoops and never getting to train with the BL trainers, and b.) wondered how they'd suddenly find the wherewith all to change their lives. Did their kids suddenly become independent and their obligations more lenient? Did they suddenly find time to workout for 4 hours a day and bring home all the right foods?
And on to Karin's Excuse No. 3: I couldn't actually go to the ranch because too many people at home depend on me, and I'd miss my family too much. Last night one of the contestants used that excuse and asked to be sent home... where he lost fifty pounds! And the show's not even close to over! I wonder how much more he'll lose within the next 20 weeks.
And speaking of losing weight within the next 20 weeks, Marie, you know I've decided to challenge myself. I've told you my weight loss goal which I will meet by the season finale (trying to quiet that doubtful voice in the back of my head). The only way I even stand a chance is by working my way through the excuses I discovered as well as those piddly ones I keep stomping down (I'm too cozy; I'm too busy). There are No Excuses.
P.S. I will no longer use I don't know how to push myself as an excuse. I will learn how to recognize it and how to do it. I'm hoping it won't involve a puke bucket, but you never know.
Dear Marie,
When I first heard that this season's theme would be No Excuses I think I scoffed a little. I know about excuses and I stopped using them long ago. No time? Make time! Too fat? Who cares? Too expensive? Go around the block! Well, except for that deep down I did have one excuse: I don't know how to push myself. That excuse was my ticket to the show. They've never shown a contestant who knows what to do but just can't seem to do it. Until this year. In my pre-show excitement I went to the show's contestant web page to see which contestants would captivate me. And this year it turns out that there's not only one but two female athletes who've lost their way.
Now that the show has two people with a story similar to mine, I'm thinking my odds of ever getting on the show are even lower.
And I thought about it, Marie, and I saw a great irony: Karin's Excuse No. 1: part of me uses the show as an excuse to not lose weight! I recognized that part of me is so fascinated with the idea of the whole ranch experience that it's willing to hang on to some pounds in order to still meet the requirement of having at least 85 pounds to lose.
Yikes! Now that that excuse has come to light, it's up to me to choose whether to continue to hold back for a 'just in case' which may never come to be, or to give it my all right here, right now.
Which leads me to Karin's Excuse No. 2: I'm not at the ranch. Before the contestants even walked through the doors to the BL ranch they participated in a competition, the losing team of which wouldn't set foot on the ranch until a month later. The show has done this before, and I've always a.) thought how awful the losing contestants must feel having jumped through all the hoops and never getting to train with the BL trainers, and b.) wondered how they'd suddenly find the wherewith all to change their lives. Did their kids suddenly become independent and their obligations more lenient? Did they suddenly find time to workout for 4 hours a day and bring home all the right foods?
And on to Karin's Excuse No. 3: I couldn't actually go to the ranch because too many people at home depend on me, and I'd miss my family too much. Last night one of the contestants used that excuse and asked to be sent home... where he lost fifty pounds! And the show's not even close to over! I wonder how much more he'll lose within the next 20 weeks.
And speaking of losing weight within the next 20 weeks, Marie, you know I've decided to challenge myself. I've told you my weight loss goal which I will meet by the season finale (trying to quiet that doubtful voice in the back of my head). The only way I even stand a chance is by working my way through the excuses I discovered as well as those piddly ones I keep stomping down (I'm too cozy; I'm too busy). There are No Excuses.
P.S. I will no longer use I don't know how to push myself as an excuse. I will learn how to recognize it and how to do it. I'm hoping it won't involve a puke bucket, but you never know.
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