seconds and minutes

I've started and stopped learn to jog programs before, usually before I'm jogging 2-minutes at a time.  I'd get scared.  So when I met up with my group this weekend and we received our assignment, which involved several 3-minute jogs, I wasn't sure what to think.  I was very aware that up to now in this training I'd been thinking solely of seconds -- 60 or 90 at a time.  Suddenly, as when a baby turns 2 years old  and the parents no longer name the age in months but in years, I'm going to be counting my jogs in minutes, not seconds.

I've already made progress with the group.  My hardest week was the second week, when I thought some girls were laughing at me.  It was a back to the schoolyard experience for me.  This time tough, instead of feeling alone,  I knew that I had both a friend and a coach supporting me.  Being able to talk with them and get their feedback and support helped me get past my panic and gave me the ability to grow stronger in my mind and body.

So far I've done the new assignment twice: once with our group and once with my jogging buddy.  I'm happy to say that neither time have I had a stitch in my side or that choking feeling in my throat.  The only thing burning has been my quads, and even that hasn't been bad.  I've wanted to stop, but I haven't needed  to stop.  There's a big difference.  And knowing that I didn't need to stop made me want to keep going.

I'm so happy that I'm learning to jog 3 minutes at a time.  I'm breaking a habit.  I'm learning to conquer the fear that led me to give up on myself.  I've got a couple weeks to work on this 3-minute jog.  After that I'll be ready & willing to take on more.  Maybe 5 minutes?  10 eventually?

I think about the 5k this fall.  I wonder how much I'll be able to jog.  I can't wait to find out.

How I did this week

Well done, me!  The scale showed me down a pound this week.  More importantly I'm feeling stronger, optimistic, and in control.

Food:
Thanks to a Costco run, I made sure the house was stocked with good things for me to eat.  My meals this week were heavy on berries & salad, and a new favorite of mine:  Baja Veggie Burgers by Golden.  Dear me, they are delicious!  No bun needed, just a little Wholy Guacamole and these burgers are perfect!  I even learned that guac, used in moderation, is an awesome salad topper.  Guacamole w/o chips -- who knew?  Well I know now!

Tracking:
I think this is the biggest reason I got the scale to move down again this week -- I measured my portions and looked up/wrote down calorie counts for everything I ate.  I finally found a notebook I like to use (a steno pad), which helps a lot. 

Exercise:
This is what really brought a smile to my face.  I did my 5k training 4 days this week, even jogging in these sauna-like days.  When I was stretching after this morning's work, I noticed that the sunlight shimmering in the sweat on my arm reminded me of the path that leads to the sun as it sets beyond Lake Erie.  I really loved that.
Yesterday alone I swam, biked, walked, and lifted weights.  I accept the fact that I'll never be the first to finish any race.  I'm finally happy with being a workhorse, knowing I won't quit.

So that's it.  That's how my week went.  Lots of sweat, healthy food every day, a couple afternoons when I crashed into a battery-recharing naps. 

I'm excited that I lost a pound, happy that I enjoyed eating well, proud of all the physical work I did, and I'm looking forward another good week.

regrouping

I hardly know where to begin.  I've been thinking a lot lately about how proud I am of some accomplishments of late:
   *  resuming weightlifting
   *  overcoming (w/ the help of a friend) a panic attack during Saturday's jog
   *  doing every single piece of 5k training homework
   *  tracking everything I eat -- not just the food, but the calories, too
   *  giving myself a day of no tracking and a little leeway in eating

I'm being hard on myself too:
   *   I haven't braved a swim suit yet this year, even when the air was stifling and the water was enticing
   *   I abhor everything I see in the mirror (sooner or later you have to look, even if it's just when washing your face -- and I'm not happy with any of it)
  *    I'm assuming that my appearance affects my hirability.

Today I feel like I'm paying my debt to society: I paid the fat tax for an upcoming flight.  Upon reading that one must fit entirely between arm rests 17" apart, I thought I'd better take a look.  It's not easy measuring oneself w/ a ruler, let me tell you.  I layed it across my lap, I sat on it, I stood with it.  No matter the position, the numbers were clear: either book a second seat for myself or half of my body was going to have to stay home.

I have to write this, I have to put it out there.  I have to use this motivation.  No matter what I've done, I can't stop.  I still have so much physical and mental work to do.  I can lift all the weights I want and walk a thousand miles, but if I'm winded from jogging or going up and down the stairs a few times, how in shape am I?

I'm proud and relieved that, for now anyway, I've got a good handle on healthy eating.  I'm going to need that because I've got a monumental goal ahead of me, and I'm going to have to learn to push myself through self-consciousness & panic attacks & public perception.

Reunited and it feels so good!

I haven't seen David in almost a year, not since my surgery.  For several months he didn't even cross my mind.  Then as I started back to the gym regularly I'd see his name and get to thinking.  Part of me wanted to go back, but part of me was ashamed for him to see what had become of me since last summer.

Remember David? The gentleman who seems to have trouble counting reps all the way to 12 (1, 2, 3, 3, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 7...)? The man who believes I can lift more than I think I can (and is always right)?

As fate would have it, a friend noticed the flier for Women On Weights this morning, and I - being the glutton for punishment that I am - volunteered to register if she did.

I spent plenty of time today wondering how WOW would go.  Would I be able to lift weights in the evening after starring in the role of Mom all day?  As always when it comes to fitness challenges, I wondered where I'd end up in the (non-existent) rankings.  I felt like an old dog coming out of my broken down dog house: a short-legged, big-jowled bulldog with a spikey collar but nothing to back it up.

Smith squat: I asked David to add more weight to the bar, and I heard some ooohs from my classmates.  And I felt some confidence come back.
Inclined chest press: I asked David to add more weight to the bar.
Leg press: I heard one of my classmates ask "Has she done this before?"  And I thought to myself "Why yes.  Yes she has.  And just watch what else she can do."

And then I was back and I had so much fun pushing myself to do more, all the way to the finale of upside-down crunches.

WOW - I'm back!

Dear Diary: Runner

Dear Diary,

I like jogging.  Even though it's practically a rain forest here this morning - even the newest batch of baby midgies were wearing swim suits at the track - I went to the track this morning and did my thing.

The 5K training program started Saturday morning (I'm sure there's room for anyone who forgot to sign up -- you know who you are.) and already I'm gaining confidence and a positive attitude.  When I faced a monumental struggle (putting on nylons) Saturday afternoon, I didn't question, doubt, and give up.  Instead I just made it happen. J

This morning at the track I didn't question whether I could finish my homework assignment.  I just did it, and then did a little more, just because I could.  JJJ JJJ JJ + J

My Secret Dream

I want to dance.

I want to do like the magnets say and "dance like no one is watching."  I want to take my little kitchen dances with my kids and my dog and expand it.

I love to watch So You Think You Can Dance every summer.  I love to watch Mama Mia and every wedding movie that has dancers in it.

I never attended high school dances, and though I attended middle school dances, I'm not sure I ever danced.

The last time I danced with joy - with middle school choir to Madonna's True Blue - a friend of mine laughed at me and my swinging hips (I don't remember all of it, but I do remember the laughing, the pointing, the "boom! boom!").  And from then on I barely moved for choir choreography, and I learned to be self-critical before others laid into me.

Wedding after wedding -- even my own -- I've been too self-conscious to dance.  I'm a sad geek who encourages her husband to go dance with others rather than sit on the sidelines with me.  (It takes a lot of convincing, but I can usually at least get him to leave my side for a polka.)

Now that The Biggest Loser isn't on Tuesdays, I've started watching Glee.  I borrowed the first two seasons from the library, and naturally I loved it.  Singing, dancing -- what's not to love?

One of my favorite numbers is this: Artie's Safety Dance.  Like Artie, I want to break out of what holds me back.  I would love to learn to do Artie's routine, complete with confidence & attitude, but for know I'd settle for having the courage to dance with my husband at a wedding reception tonight.

Week in Review

I had a pretty successful week.  I...
  *  worked out at the track 4 days
  *  jogged the track 3 times 
  *  bicycled errands
  *  didn't break into the kids' sugar bomb cereal
  *  had salad for 4 meals
  *  tried pilates
  *  registered my boy and me for a 5K training program -- committing us to train for and participate in an October 5K
  *  planted a garden with my girls
  *  danced in the kitchen with my youngest and our dog
  *  lost 2 pounds! 

Next week's goals:
  *  20 push-ups a day  (or 20 planks of at least 30 seconds each, during the week)
  *  find a stretching program
  *  do all my 5K training homework