If I were in my counselor's office right now, the conversation would go something like this.
me (sweaty, flushed, shaking): I'm a quitter. I actually quit a practice jog today.
c: Okay. Why did you quit?
me: Because
* I was hot,
* I was jogging faster with this group of strangers than I do on my own,
* I was jogging late in the day for the first time, having spent a couple days caring for a whole lot of extra lives, and I wanted to rest,
* I had just jogged up an incline for the first time
* I was panicking, needing to cry but not being able to
* I was afraid to keep going
* I didn't want to keep going
c: It sounds like you had some good reasons for quitting, but you sound angry. Why's that?
me: Because quitting is wrong. I'm supposed to finish what I start or else I'll never get to where I want to be. How am I ever going to get in shape if I can't keep up with people? How am I going to build my endurance when I can't even overcome that critical voice in my head? I tried, I really did, putting song lyrics in my mind, but I wasn't strong enough. I just kept thinking about the heat and the incline and the pollution and how tight my throat was and everything I still had to do today. I'm always going to have things to do -- it's one of the things I like about life. Being busy, being active. And there I was being active, and I was overwhelmed and I quit.
c: If you were talking to a friend of yours about this -- if your friend was the one who had quit, what would you say to him or her?
me: I'd say it's not the end of the world, and he or she could try again another day, and they should be proud for trying.
c: What if you were talking to your own kids about this? What if they quit? What would you say?
me: I'd tell them I love them no matter what and that I was so proud of them for jogging as much as they did. I'd hope that they'd see how far they jogged on the asphalt next to a train. I'd tell them I was proud of them for getting out there and taking the chance to be with new people on a new course. I'd tell them that it's going through challenges that makes us stronger, and that they'd already done more than half a mile of something which was scary.
c: And what if someone else said to you that you're a quitter. What if it wasn't you putting yourself down, but someone else?
me: I'd get really mad at that person, and I'd want to do everything in my power to prove them wrong. I'd feel competitive. But as soon as I think that, I think of the 5k I signed up for and I get scared. I'm going to be the slowest, fattest person out there. (But I'll be out there, and that's something.) And I'm tired of being slow and fat. (I've never been speedy; I had to hit the softball out of the park to give myself time to truck around the bases even when I wasn't overweight.) I want to see results. I want to be jogging longer and stronger. I want to be lean and athletic. I don't want people to take look at me and judge me to be pathetic. Which is how I felt today during the jog: a fat pathetic loser.
I really don't know where to go from here. I'll keep doing my jogging homework and I'll drag my sorry backside through the 5k. I really want to be able to jog the entire 5k. Right now I can barely jog half a mile.
I know that I've got a whole lot of good qualities. But how am I going to get past my mental block?
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Monday, July 30, 2012
Thoughts from the Track
1. Is a nice cool breeze at the track really too much to provide? God? Mother Nature? Santa Claus? Anyone? Now that I'm moving faster longer, I find myself radiating heat and positively glistening (but still not dripping with) sweat, and I can't help but think that running would be easier if I were a little cooler, a little more comfortable. Which brings me to number two.
2. I need to change some of my running music. Too much of it is good spiritually, but it's so soothing that it leads me to envision dropping to the ground and relaxing, watching seagulls and bumblebees. What do you listen to in order to keep your spirit soaring, your chin up, and your legs pumping?
3. My fat is tenacious. I'm engaged in a battle of wills with a monster of my own creation. When I signed up for Lighten Up and for the triathlon last year, as well as for the 5k training program this year, I naively assumed that my fat would flee in fear. Upon hearing that my muscles were throwing a coup, my fat would quiver and wobble away. No such luck. For something so soft, fat sure has a good grip. I'm just going to have to keep empowering my muscles. Which brings me to number four.
4. Puffing away on the track, trying to put a little spring in my step and good posture in my form, it occurred to me that jogging still ain't easy. I wondered if it would ever get any easier. And then I realized that I'm jogging more frequently and for minutes at a time. I remembered that when I start this training, I was jogging for 60 or 90 seconds at a time. Now I'm jogging 8 minutes at a time, in between biking to and from the track. I've come a long way (not as long as I'd like) and made a lot of improvement (not as much as I'd like). And then there's number five.
5. Just as I'm cheesed with the Powers That Be for withholding cool breezes for jogging, I'm cheesed with myself for obliterating my hard work by not recording my calories consumed for the past couple weeks. Sure I'd only be losing a pound a week, but those would be fewer pounds to schlep around the track.
I'm tired, I'm sweaty, and I'm roasting. I'm also motivated to jog the 5k in November (plenty of cool breezes then, I'm thinking), to see a less roly poly shadow at the track, and to weigh less than my husband. So this girl's gotta do what this girl's gotta do: keep improving. Like the GnR song says: I used to do a little but a little wouldn't do it, so the little got more and more; I just keep tryin' to get a little better, a little better than before.
2. I need to change some of my running music. Too much of it is good spiritually, but it's so soothing that it leads me to envision dropping to the ground and relaxing, watching seagulls and bumblebees. What do you listen to in order to keep your spirit soaring, your chin up, and your legs pumping?
3. My fat is tenacious. I'm engaged in a battle of wills with a monster of my own creation. When I signed up for Lighten Up and for the triathlon last year, as well as for the 5k training program this year, I naively assumed that my fat would flee in fear. Upon hearing that my muscles were throwing a coup, my fat would quiver and wobble away. No such luck. For something so soft, fat sure has a good grip. I'm just going to have to keep empowering my muscles. Which brings me to number four.
4. Puffing away on the track, trying to put a little spring in my step and good posture in my form, it occurred to me that jogging still ain't easy. I wondered if it would ever get any easier. And then I realized that I'm jogging more frequently and for minutes at a time. I remembered that when I start this training, I was jogging for 60 or 90 seconds at a time. Now I'm jogging 8 minutes at a time, in between biking to and from the track. I've come a long way (not as long as I'd like) and made a lot of improvement (not as much as I'd like). And then there's number five.
5. Just as I'm cheesed with the Powers That Be for withholding cool breezes for jogging, I'm cheesed with myself for obliterating my hard work by not recording my calories consumed for the past couple weeks. Sure I'd only be losing a pound a week, but those would be fewer pounds to schlep around the track.
I'm tired, I'm sweaty, and I'm roasting. I'm also motivated to jog the 5k in November (plenty of cool breezes then, I'm thinking), to see a less roly poly shadow at the track, and to weigh less than my husband. So this girl's gotta do what this girl's gotta do: keep improving. Like the GnR song says: I used to do a little but a little wouldn't do it, so the little got more and more; I just keep tryin' to get a little better, a little better than before.
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Dear Diary: The hopeful
Dear Diary,
One of the headlines today reads Hopefuls gather for Biggest Loser auditions. The hundreds of us who spent hours in line were hopeful that our sixty seconds with the casting director would be enough of a foot in the door to earn a callback. By the time I was seen, those sixty seconds had been whittled down to twenty seconds.
I'll tell you right now that I didn't get a callback. My phone was ready for it, but I'm not sure that I was. On the one hand I'm pretty sure I would have benefited from time away, an extended time to focus on me, me, me. I'd have given it my all.
On the other hand I have a whole lot of people who depend on me; my life doesn't happen in a vacuum. I'm part of a house of cards, and my absence would cause a lot of crashing down.
Fortunately I also have people who don't depend on me, those pressureless gems who journey with me lightly. No burden of dependence, but the freedom of choice.
And I have people I depend on; those many people who offer support me, those precious ones who love me.
Hopefuls gather... It's true that like everyone else in line yesterday I was hopeful of being chosen to be a contestant on The Biggest Loser. Lose weight real fast through a cram session of hard work with my own team of trainers, doctors, and fellow losers? Yeah!
Lucky for me my hope doesn't end with a silent phone. I know that my future doesn't end with the rejection of a TV production.
I still have hope.
I still have hope that I can continue to set goals, weight-related or otherwise, and that in working toward those goals I gain strength and foster more hope.
Yes, there are times when I continue to be intimidated when I look at how much weight I have to lose. But I've been teaching myself to shift my focus away from that intimidation. 5k training has been a great way to practice that skill.
I think that when it comes down to it, my biggest challenge is time management. Recently I've let weeks go by without planning meals, which means more frequent disorganized trips to the grocery store, which means a whole lot of unproductive food in our house and in me.
I know that time management is a struggle for me, particularly when my 3 special blessings -- with all their unique and not-so-unique needs -- are home for the summer. Time management really is the linchpin. Successful time management means, in my book anyway, having enough time to care for my needs that I'm empowered to care for those around me.
How great is that? I have enough knowledge and experience about eating right, exercise, and confidence that I'm ready to take on a new challenge. Had I been removed from where I am, removed to the Biggest Loser ranch, I would have been getting the wrong stuff. I'd have been getting stuff I already have.
What I need is here, at home. What I need is to take all that I have been given and all that I've fought for, and to move forward.
I hope that a year from now I can say that not being chosen for The Biggest Loser was one of the best things to ever happen to my weight loss. I'm hopeful!
One of the headlines today reads Hopefuls gather for Biggest Loser auditions. The hundreds of us who spent hours in line were hopeful that our sixty seconds with the casting director would be enough of a foot in the door to earn a callback. By the time I was seen, those sixty seconds had been whittled down to twenty seconds.
I'll tell you right now that I didn't get a callback. My phone was ready for it, but I'm not sure that I was. On the one hand I'm pretty sure I would have benefited from time away, an extended time to focus on me, me, me. I'd have given it my all.
On the other hand I have a whole lot of people who depend on me; my life doesn't happen in a vacuum. I'm part of a house of cards, and my absence would cause a lot of crashing down.
Fortunately I also have people who don't depend on me, those pressureless gems who journey with me lightly. No burden of dependence, but the freedom of choice.
And I have people I depend on; those many people who offer support me, those precious ones who love me.
Hopefuls gather... It's true that like everyone else in line yesterday I was hopeful of being chosen to be a contestant on The Biggest Loser. Lose weight real fast through a cram session of hard work with my own team of trainers, doctors, and fellow losers? Yeah!
Lucky for me my hope doesn't end with a silent phone. I know that my future doesn't end with the rejection of a TV production.
I still have hope.
I still have hope that I can continue to set goals, weight-related or otherwise, and that in working toward those goals I gain strength and foster more hope.
Yes, there are times when I continue to be intimidated when I look at how much weight I have to lose. But I've been teaching myself to shift my focus away from that intimidation. 5k training has been a great way to practice that skill.
I think that when it comes down to it, my biggest challenge is time management. Recently I've let weeks go by without planning meals, which means more frequent disorganized trips to the grocery store, which means a whole lot of unproductive food in our house and in me.
I know that time management is a struggle for me, particularly when my 3 special blessings -- with all their unique and not-so-unique needs -- are home for the summer. Time management really is the linchpin. Successful time management means, in my book anyway, having enough time to care for my needs that I'm empowered to care for those around me.
How great is that? I have enough knowledge and experience about eating right, exercise, and confidence that I'm ready to take on a new challenge. Had I been removed from where I am, removed to the Biggest Loser ranch, I would have been getting the wrong stuff. I'd have been getting stuff I already have.
What I need is here, at home. What I need is to take all that I have been given and all that I've fought for, and to move forward.
I hope that a year from now I can say that not being chosen for The Biggest Loser was one of the best things to ever happen to my weight loss. I'm hopeful!
Monday, July 16, 2012
What else can I do?
Every time I look at my 5k training plan, I look at some of the upcoming workouts and question whether I'll be able to do them. But then I look back at where I started and what I've accomplished since then.
I used to think that I couldn't stand heat and humidity. It turns out that I really hate the pair of them, but I can stand them, and I can even jog in them. I know that I can, because I did.
I used to think that I couldn't jog near people who weren't in my corner. But I did, so I know that I can.
I used to think I that I couldn't jog in new places. But I did, so I know that I can.
I used to think I couldn't jog all the way around the track. But I did, so I know that I can.
I doubted my ability to do all these things, and here I am doing them. It makes me wonder what else I'm capable of.
Will I jog that entire 5k in November? Will I get this extra weight off?
I guess I'll have to trust the pattern.
I used to think that I couldn't stand heat and humidity. It turns out that I really hate the pair of them, but I can stand them, and I can even jog in them. I know that I can, because I did.
I used to think that I couldn't jog near people who weren't in my corner. But I did, so I know that I can.
I used to think I that I couldn't jog in new places. But I did, so I know that I can.
I used to think I couldn't jog all the way around the track. But I did, so I know that I can.
I doubted my ability to do all these things, and here I am doing them. It makes me wonder what else I'm capable of.
Will I jog that entire 5k in November? Will I get this extra weight off?
I guess I'll have to trust the pattern.
Monday, July 2, 2012
seconds and minutes
I've started and stopped learn to jog programs before, usually before I'm jogging 2-minutes at a time. I'd get scared. So when I met up with my group this weekend and we received our assignment, which involved several 3-minute jogs, I wasn't sure what to think. I was very aware that up to now in this training I'd been thinking solely of seconds -- 60 or 90 at a time. Suddenly, as when a baby turns 2 years old and the parents no longer name the age in months but in years, I'm going to be counting my jogs in minutes, not seconds.
I've already made progress with the group. My hardest week was the second week, when I thought some girls were laughing at me. It was a back to the schoolyard experience for me. This time tough, instead of feeling alone, I knew that I had both a friend and a coach supporting me. Being able to talk with them and get their feedback and support helped me get past my panic and gave me the ability to grow stronger in my mind and body.
So far I've done the new assignment twice: once with our group and once with my jogging buddy. I'm happy to say that neither time have I had a stitch in my side or that choking feeling in my throat. The only thing burning has been my quads, and even that hasn't been bad. I've wanted to stop, but I haven't needed to stop. There's a big difference. And knowing that I didn't need to stop made me want to keep going.
I'm so happy that I'm learning to jog 3 minutes at a time. I'm breaking a habit. I'm learning to conquer the fear that led me to give up on myself. I've got a couple weeks to work on this 3-minute jog. After that I'll be ready & willing to take on more. Maybe 5 minutes? 10 eventually?
I think about the 5k this fall. I wonder how much I'll be able to jog. I can't wait to find out.
I've already made progress with the group. My hardest week was the second week, when I thought some girls were laughing at me. It was a back to the schoolyard experience for me. This time tough, instead of feeling alone, I knew that I had both a friend and a coach supporting me. Being able to talk with them and get their feedback and support helped me get past my panic and gave me the ability to grow stronger in my mind and body.
So far I've done the new assignment twice: once with our group and once with my jogging buddy. I'm happy to say that neither time have I had a stitch in my side or that choking feeling in my throat. The only thing burning has been my quads, and even that hasn't been bad. I've wanted to stop, but I haven't needed to stop. There's a big difference. And knowing that I didn't need to stop made me want to keep going.
I'm so happy that I'm learning to jog 3 minutes at a time. I'm breaking a habit. I'm learning to conquer the fear that led me to give up on myself. I've got a couple weeks to work on this 3-minute jog. After that I'll be ready & willing to take on more. Maybe 5 minutes? 10 eventually?
I think about the 5k this fall. I wonder how much I'll be able to jog. I can't wait to find out.
Friday, June 29, 2012
How I did this week
Well done, me! The scale showed me down a pound this week. More importantly I'm feeling stronger, optimistic, and in control.
Food:
Thanks to a Costco run, I made sure the house was stocked with good things for me to eat. My meals this week were heavy on berries & salad, and a new favorite of mine: Baja Veggie Burgers by Golden. Dear me, they are delicious! No bun needed, just a little Wholy Guacamole and these burgers are perfect! I even learned that guac, used in moderation, is an awesome salad topper. Guacamole w/o chips -- who knew? Well I know now!
Tracking:
I think this is the biggest reason I got the scale to move down again this week -- I measured my portions and looked up/wrote down calorie counts for everything I ate. I finally found a notebook I like to use (a steno pad), which helps a lot.
Exercise:
This is what really brought a smile to my face. I did my 5k training 4 days this week, even jogging in these sauna-like days. When I was stretching after this morning's work, I noticed that the sunlight shimmering in the sweat on my arm reminded me of the path that leads to the sun as it sets beyond Lake Erie. I really loved that.
Yesterday alone I swam, biked, walked, and lifted weights. I accept the fact that I'll never be the first to finish any race. I'm finally happy with being a workhorse, knowing I won't quit.
So that's it. That's how my week went. Lots of sweat, healthy food every day, a couple afternoons when I crashed into a battery-recharing naps.
I'm excited that I lost a pound, happy that I enjoyed eating well, proud of all the physical work I did, and I'm looking forward another good week.
Food:
Thanks to a Costco run, I made sure the house was stocked with good things for me to eat. My meals this week were heavy on berries & salad, and a new favorite of mine: Baja Veggie Burgers by Golden. Dear me, they are delicious! No bun needed, just a little Wholy Guacamole and these burgers are perfect! I even learned that guac, used in moderation, is an awesome salad topper. Guacamole w/o chips -- who knew? Well I know now!
Tracking:
I think this is the biggest reason I got the scale to move down again this week -- I measured my portions and looked up/wrote down calorie counts for everything I ate. I finally found a notebook I like to use (a steno pad), which helps a lot.
Exercise:
This is what really brought a smile to my face. I did my 5k training 4 days this week, even jogging in these sauna-like days. When I was stretching after this morning's work, I noticed that the sunlight shimmering in the sweat on my arm reminded me of the path that leads to the sun as it sets beyond Lake Erie. I really loved that.
Yesterday alone I swam, biked, walked, and lifted weights. I accept the fact that I'll never be the first to finish any race. I'm finally happy with being a workhorse, knowing I won't quit.
So that's it. That's how my week went. Lots of sweat, healthy food every day, a couple afternoons when I crashed into a battery-recharing naps.
I'm excited that I lost a pound, happy that I enjoyed eating well, proud of all the physical work I did, and I'm looking forward another good week.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
regrouping
I hardly know where to begin. I've been thinking a lot lately about how proud I am of some accomplishments of late:
* resuming weightlifting
* overcoming (w/ the help of a friend) a panic attack during Saturday's jog
* doing every single piece of 5k training homework
* tracking everything I eat -- not just the food, but the calories, too
* giving myself a day of no tracking and a little leeway in eating
I'm being hard on myself too:
* I haven't braved a swim suit yet this year, even when the air was stifling and the water was enticing
* I abhor everything I see in the mirror (sooner or later you have to look, even if it's just when washing your face -- and I'm not happy with any of it)
* I'm assuming that my appearance affects my hirability.
Today I feel like I'm paying my debt to society: I paid the fat tax for an upcoming flight. Upon reading that one must fit entirely between arm rests 17" apart, I thought I'd better take a look. It's not easy measuring oneself w/ a ruler, let me tell you. I layed it across my lap, I sat on it, I stood with it. No matter the position, the numbers were clear: either book a second seat for myself or half of my body was going to have to stay home.
I have to write this, I have to put it out there. I have to use this motivation. No matter what I've done, I can't stop. I still have so much physical and mental work to do. I can lift all the weights I want and walk a thousand miles, but if I'm winded from jogging or going up and down the stairs a few times, how in shape am I?
I'm proud and relieved that, for now anyway, I've got a good handle on healthy eating. I'm going to need that because I've got a monumental goal ahead of me, and I'm going to have to learn to push myself through self-consciousness & panic attacks & public perception.
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