When my fairy godmother sent me a gift card to Kohl's – for the express purpose of purchasing some nice smaller clothes for me – the magic had already begun, unbeknownst to either of us. As I've mentioned in prior blogs, I haven't bought myself a brand new outfit in I-don't-know-how-long. Usually when I'm at Kohl's, it's because I'm buying a present for someone else, so it was a challenge to overcome Mom Guilt and walk to the women's section rather than children's, men's, or house wares. I was really excited about this gift card, and decided that this time I wasn't going to spend it on anyone else; I was going to spend it on me.
Magic #1: My friend's gift to me turned into me giving a gift to me.
I felt overwhelmed – do I choose a top or bottom? Do I pick one really nice thing or several nice things? I started by instructing myself to not buy t-shirts. Though they're really pretty, realistically I have enough for now, and they're not special enough for the gift from my fairy godmother. I looked at this and that, and wandered some more. Then I realized I didn't know what size I wear! So I picked a dress and headed for the fitting room.
Magic #2: I went into a fitting room on my own behalf.
Here's where the real magic happens, the most unexpected gift of all. Since I had picked a dress to try on, my entire body was trying something on. The dress was too big, and I didn't like it. But the best part: I couldn't believe how short and round I looked! I looked like a dollop of whipped cream, all mushy and round at the bottom, gradually tapering up to a pointy top! I looked like I did 50 pounds heavier! And I didn't fall apart. I just thought "I'm going to find something else to try on."
Magic #3: Confronted with my obesity in a store mirror, I didn't feel sick to my stomach.
I returned to the dressing room with a couple of tops and noticed how the jeans and top I'd worn to the store looked baggy and dumpy. And the saddle bags on me! Holy Toledo! But I still wasn't devastated.
Magic #4: I found the fire in my belly again.
I ended up purchasing the perfect sweater to accompany a dress I already own and am shrinking into, and a pretty top unlike any I've owned before. Even better, by being confronted with my overstuffed saddle bags, I found the determination to kick them the heck off my body. I'm ready to not just work like a dog at the gym the way I have been, I'm ready to tear it up. This past week I timidly dipped a toe into even more exercise. Now that I see I was able to do it, and now that I've got this miraculous sense of empowerment, I am so ready to jump, kick, jog, punch, and SWEAT! I'm ready to eat as many vegetables as I need to no matter how boring they are. The complacency is gone. I've seen a mirror with nothing but me in it. It showed me what I most needed to see, and with my recently gained love and pride, I'm going to start making my reflection appear as it does in my mind's eye.
Hang on & stay tuned – I'm just getting started!
~Karin
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