Wednesday, April 4, 2012

overcoming the judge

I could have given today entirely over to my inner judge, the one who looks at all the clutter in my life and sees failure; the one who condemns me for being involved in many activities; the one who criticizes my body, my skin, my hair, my teeth; the one who even threatens to spill over and poison those closest to me by paralyzing me with self-abuse.

My inner judge crept into my thoughts this morning.  I succumbed for a while, but then I remembered lessons I've learned.

Thank God and Kathryn and Carol for bringing don Miguel Ruiz into my life.  Ruiz helped me identify the judge - who it is, how it works - and gave me the power to recognize it and thereby to render it powerless.

I am no longer the victim of the judge.  I'm doing the best that I can, and in being aware of that and being proud of that, I silence the judge.  In silencing the judge I stop the self-abuse and I am alive again.
"We search for everything we believe we don’t have, not knowing that everything we are looking for is already inside us. We are born with it.

"God is life. God is life in action. The best way to say, "I love you, God," is to live your life doing your best."  don Miguel Ruiz

Monday, April 2, 2012

April 2, 2012

Dear Diary,

It's been almost a year since I quit attending Weight Watchers meetings.  I stopped attending meetings because finding time to attend meetings dropped down my priority list, I was annoyed by the company's pushing its line of processed foods, and I felt like I had all the knowledge I needed, and I could do it by myself.

Nearly a year later, I find that I've slipped back into bad habits, and I'm tempted to run back into the open arms of WW.  I know that I succeed with WW. 

I'm not going to do it though because 
  1.  WW demands more dollars than I can allocate (I can hear the leaders arguing "It's an investment in your health");
  2.  My time is still at a premium (leader: "You need to make yourself a priority, and attending meeting is important.  Members who attend meeting lose more weight and keep it off.")
  3.  (and this is the big one) At every WW meeting, WW leaders told me of all the people who quit the program, saying they could do it on their own, only to find they couldn't.

The facts are that my resources are limited, and the demands on them are high.  All the WW arguments make sense, and I cannot deny the success I achieved with WW.  It's a good program that helps many people. 

But now I need to go one step farther.  I need to be accountable to myself.

I want to prove that I can do it.