April 2: Bippity Boppity Boo!

When my fairy godmother sent me a gift card to Kohl's – for the express purpose of purchasing some nice smaller clothes for me – the magic had already begun, unbeknownst to either of us.  As I've mentioned in prior blogs, I haven't bought myself a brand new outfit in I-don't-know-how-long.  Usually when I'm at Kohl's, it's because I'm buying a present for someone else, so it was a challenge to overcome Mom Guilt and walk to the women's section rather than children's, men's, or house wares.  I was really excited about this gift card, and decided that this time I wasn't going to spend it on anyone else; I was going to spend it on me.

Magic #1:        My friend's gift to me turned into me giving a gift to me.

 

I felt overwhelmed – do I choose a top or bottom?  Do I pick one really nice thing or several nice  things?  I started by instructing myself to not buy t-shirts.  Though they're really pretty, realistically I have enough for now, and they're not special enough for the gift from my fairy godmother.  I looked at this and that, and wandered some more.  Then I realized I didn't know what size I wear!  So I picked a dress and headed for the fitting room.

Magic #2:        I went into a fitting room on my own behalf.

 

Here's where the real magic happens, the most unexpected gift of all.  Since I had picked a dress to try on, my entire body was trying something on.  The dress was too big, and I didn't like it.  But the best part: I couldn't believe how short and round I looked!  I looked like a dollop of whipped cream, all mushy and round at the bottom, gradually tapering up to a pointy top!  I looked like I did 50 pounds heavier!  And I didn't fall apart.  I just thought "I'm going to find something else to try on."

Magic #3:        Confronted with my obesity in a store mirror, I didn't feel sick to my stomach.

 

I returned to the dressing room with a couple of tops and noticed how the jeans and top I'd worn to the store looked baggy and dumpy.  And the saddle bags on me!  Holy Toledo!  But I still wasn't devastated.

Magic #4:        I found the fire in my belly again.

 

I ended up purchasing the perfect sweater to accompany a dress I already own and am shrinking into, and a pretty top unlike any I've owned before.  Even better, by being confronted with my overstuffed saddle bags, I found the determination to kick them the heck off my body.  I'm ready to not just work like a dog at the gym the way I have been, I'm ready to tear it up.  This past week I timidly dipped a toe into even more exercise.  Now that I see I was able to do it, and now that I've got this miraculous sense of empowerment, I am so ready to jump, kick, jog, punch, and SWEAT!  I'm ready to eat as many vegetables as I need to no matter how boring they are.  The complacency is gone.  I've seen a mirror with nothing but me in it.  It showed me what I most needed to see, and with my recently gained love and pride, I'm going to start making my reflection appear as it does in my mind's eye.

 

Hang on & stay tuned – I'm just getting started! 

~Karin

April 1: The Lost Vegetables

Over the past several days I've become aware of several dangerous trends in my eating:

·         I've neither planned nor tracked my meals & snacks

·         Vegetables have gone missing from my plate

·         I've gotten away from sitting down at the table to eat

·         Fruit consumption is on the decline

·         I'm snacking on greasy/salty things

·         I've been going long on milk + anything that tastes good with it

The result: the scale is pointing out to me the error of my ways.  Were I not in a public contest, I could slough it off and wait for the fix to happen.  But I am in a public weight loss contest, so I'm putting the pressure on myself to fix this.  And because I don't want this slip-up to happen again, I want to figure out why this is happening.

 

Meal planning/tracking

SYMPTOM:  This week I've wanted to eat without the bother of measuring.  Earlier this week I cleaned out some basement boxes, with the result that the kitchen table is covered in what I didn't throw out but didn't find a new home for.  With the kitchen in disarray, weighing & measuring my food is more challenging.  ANOTHER reason: sometimes I feel like measuring my food is a sign that I'm broken: normal people don't have to measure their food.

SOLUTION:  Clean off the kitchen table properly.  Find the right home for those things I want to keep.  I promise myself I will clean the kitchen table today.  OTHER solution: I am a little broken, but that's not the end of the world.  I've identified part of me that needs extra help, and I am entitled to that help.  Measuring food isn't what I'm proudest of, but it's nothing to be ashamed of.  Even if I am ashamed of it.  (I think I have to work on this piece….)

 

Missing vegetables

SYMPTOM: Not eating veggies.  I'm bored with them.  I'm tired of lettuce, I don't have tomatoes, and am sick of peeling carrots. About all I want are quick, easy pickles, but there's a ton of sodium there.

SOLUTION:  Look for veggie-rich recipes.  Buy some tomatoes.  Add veggies here and there throughout the day. Prep a daily veggie tray.  Make some veggie soup.

 

Eating on the move/eating salty greasy things

SYMPTOM: Eating at the kitchen sink; grabbing a pretzel or piece of my son's homemade fudge while passing through the kitchen.  Essentially I'm eating like my 2-year-old: whatever, wherever.

SOLUTION: Remember what my WW leader Carole said about eating with dignity.  I'm not an animal (or a 2-year-old).  I deserve the chance to sit down at the table with a plate, flatware, beverage, and napkin while I think savor what I'm eating.  Rather than instill bad habits, I need to teach my 2-year-old how to eat well.

 

Fruit on the decline

SYMPTOM: Thanks to some recent disgusting bananas, my fruit phobia is back.  While in the rest of my life I like surprises, I don't like surprises in my fruit.  Lately when I peel bananas, I've found several with something pink at the bottom end.  It not moving, but it makes me think it's worms at one end moving up the banana.  Ew!  And what's with finding seeds in my seedless oranges?  And mealy apples?  I can only drive 40 minutes to fruit farms so often for good apples – mostly I have to rely on the local grocery store offerings:  hard kiwi, unripe peaches, questionable blueberries, green bananas with something pink within.

SOLUTION: Tough one here.  I love fruit, but want it to taste right.  No local offerings.  I'm stuck halfway between The West Side Market and east side fruit farms.  The Euclid Farmer's Market doesn't open again for 2 months.  I guess I can ask my friends whether/where they've been finding good fruit.  I can also give up on fresh fruit and rely on frozen fruit with less texture and taste.  Then if there's scary stuff within, at least I won't know about it.  But that's no comfort.  This is a tough one.  Any ideas out there?

 

Milk & anything that goes with it

SYMPTOM: I love the dry, sweet vs. refreshing coolness pairing of cookies & milk, cereal & milk, granola bar & milk.  For most of my life I'd far rather drink skim milk than anything else.  And then to drink more of it, add a little simple carb snack.  In February I bought a Brita filter to make tap water more palatable (yes, I can taste a difference).  But water doesn't go with things as nicely as milk does.

SOLUTION: Remind myself that I don't need to drink my calories.  Milk is getting me into trouble right now, so I need to turn to other dairy sources such as yogurt, cottage cheese, and cheese.  It's not like I can never have milk again.  Right now though I'm using it as an excuse to eat more/other than I want, so I need to step away from it till I'm in control again.

 

*deep breath*  It's a new month.  I could state here that "I'm going to track for this whole month," but I'm not going to fall into the perfection trap.  But then what happens if I miss a day of tracking?  Nope – I'm not falling for that again.  Instead I'm going to work on fixing what I know is broken, one action at a time.  I need to plan my meals, follow through with tracking, find a way to make veggies & fruit as reliably palatable as grains, use water for hydration, and slow down to dine rather than eat on the run.

 

Today's goals:

Plan next week's meals, with an eye towards produce

No drinking milk today

Eat all my meals & snacks at the table – and make my 2-year-old do the same

Clean the kitchen table!

 

~Karin

March 31: Fatigue

After he uttered my least favorite workout phrase, I promised (warned?) my trainer David that I'd be writing about him today.  David leads the Women On Weights class.  He figures out how much we should be lifting for any given exercise, and tells us how many reps in each set.  I always do my best to give as many as he asks for, even if it means he has to assist when my muscles shake at the end.

What's my least favorite phrase?  "Go to fatigue."  I don't like fatigue.  Fatigue is what I feel an hour after lifting, when my temperature drops and I need to bundle myself in extra layers of clothes.  Fatigue is how I feel at the end of the day when I'm too tired to get myself into bed. 

Fatigue means I've given all I had to give, and I'm afraid that if I invest all my strength into one lift, I won't have anything left for the next exercise.  A devout student of Biggest Loser workouts, I've seen that fatigue can mean puking during cardio.  I don't puke.

Fatigue to me is boundless – I feel like I'm thrown into the middle of an ocean, left to myself to find the shore.  It's a scary place that I need to come to be.  If David says to do 12 or 15, I'm good: even if it means I can barely get through the last several, I've got an end in sight.  Fatigue?  I don't know how to lift to that.

This morning I told David that I hate it when he says to go to fatigue, and bless his heart, without batting an eye he told me to do as many reps as I could on the last set.  And you know what? That helped completely.  In my head I set with a number of reps to shoot for.  Then as I approached that goal, I selected a higher number, and then a higher number.  When my body was telling my brain that it was nearly done, I didn't select a higher number.  I have no wish to injure myself.

Once again I find that I need to work towards positives (getting strong, how many reps, eating healthy) rather than negatives (losing weight, till fatigue, diet).  So much of this process is a mind game.  Luckily the game belongs to each of us, so we can make the rules and fiddle with them, so long as they continue to move us toward our goal.

Doing as many as I could today wasn't any less of a workout than is going to fatigue.  I'm still freezing now, bundled in sweats & slippers; my muscles feel tired; I have a sense of accomplishment; and I'm excited to do it again.  Fatigued – yes; beaten down – no.  J 

~Karin

March 30: In defense of my love of snow

Given the way I've been cheering for today's unseasonal snowfall, I'm pretty sure I'm going to be smacked in the back with a few snowballs tomorrow.  Many people I know are eager for warm weather activities (I'm married to an umpire) and the spring signs of new life.  I am looking forward to not having to scrape off my car and to not bundling up my littlest one whenever we go out, but I'm still ecstatic with snow.

Remember I used to weigh 289 pounds.  I spent many summer months agonizing over how to hide my body while not sweating and chafing.  June through September became months I dreaded.  Fifty pounds lighter, my body and mind are stronger, but I still realistically expect plenty of gawking and ridicule this summer.  Despite how far I've come, I still don't like to be made fun of.

When summer comes, I'll give it my best: bravely donning swimwear so I can take my kids to the outdoor pools daily; going for evening walks when the sun won't pound down on me, burning my radiation-damaged face; becoming better friends with my bike so as to benefit the environment, my backside, and my wallet.

But for today, the part of me that likes to hide under layers is rejoicing.  The part of me that loves icy air after a strenuous workout is filling its lungs.  The part of me that contemplates bird and animal in the snow is alive.  The part of me that thrives on the silence of snow is at peace.

~Karin

March 30: Personal Trainer

I think it's safe to say I've gone around the bend.  Three fitness classes in one day, and I'm hearing voices in my head.  Yesterday morning was Women On Weights, and last night was Jazzercize (Whew!).  After staying up too late watching Biggest Loser, I didn't set the early alarm for this morning.  I decided that if my body wanted to spin, it would wake me up in time.  Well apparently my body wanted to go because I was up in plenty of time to not only spin, but to figure out the footstraps before class.  No bruised shin today, thank you!

But back to the voice in my head.  There I was this morning, a good way into spin class sweating up a storm (no dripping though, in case you were wondering).  Oakland told us to sprint, so I closed my eyes and started to sprint.  Then I started thinking, "Whew!  I'm tired!  I'd like to slow down."  Then this voice in my head shouted at me, "Did your trainer tell you to stop?  Did your trainer tell you to stop!?!?  You do not stop until your trainer tells you to stop!"  I swear it was like having Bob Harper in my head.  So I kept my head down and pedaled like a maniac to the best of my ability and didn't stop till Oakland told us to recover.

I think it's fantastic that strength & fitness are so much a part of my life that not only do I have a veritable catalog of classes I choose from to suit my mood; not only do I feel confident enough to try most any form of exercise; not only do I own twice the amount of workout clothes (in a smaller size) that I owned less than a year ago; now I've got my very own personal trainer in my head.  What's next?

~Karin

March 29: Something new?

I'm getting a little jealous reading about the fun workouts other LUers are doing.  I tried borrowing Scott's P90X from the library, but am something like 70^th in line.  The Y offers Priscilla's Zumba only at times when I can't make it.  I can't drive out to Concord all the time to try Charlene's class like Carolyn.  And my bike needs to be repaired before I can ride like Jim. 

So I looked around for new adventures close by me, and came up with Jazzercize at Shore Cultural Center.  I've seen the group in action at past Relay for Life events and it looks like a much fun.  It reminds me of step aerobics (which I love!), so maybe I can get my endorphin kick there.

I'm going into tonight's class a little nervous about looking like the out-of-shape spaz that I am.  I mean lifting weights and using cardio machines is one thing, but having to bounce around not tripping over my feet?  I'm holding firmly onto my friend Kathryn's law of exercise:

No one can think anything negative about a person's shape while that person is exercising. 

That's because while exercising, weight is about things that happened in the past (cheesecakes, etc.), but the exercise is NOW.  While you're exercising, you are doing everything in your power to be perfectly fit.  So at that moment, you are just as fit as any athlete.

I just hope everyone else is familiar with the law and willing to follow it.

~Karin

March 28: Competition

Yep, the March weigh-in for Lighten Up took place this past Saturday.  Yep, I was better pleased with my number this time around.  I was even more pleased when I heard how many inches I've lost since January: thirteen!  And while people keep telling me how thin my face looks, I'd like to think that not all thirteen pounds were in my head – it only sets me up to have been a fathead or to now be an airhead, and I'm not sure either one of those is a description I would choose. J

There was a feeling I noticed after the weigh-in that is worth exploring and sharing.  I wasn't angst-ridden as during the February weigh-in, but I didn't instantly flip the happy switch either.  Right away my critical brain went to work (I hate this word) comparing.  I'll spare you the mile long list of details and say only that for better or worse, my brain wasn't about to let me become complacent.

And that's when I realized.  Heaven help me and God save the queen, but I might be competitive.  You have no idea how it pains me to admit that. 

I can't stand competition.  To me, competition = stress.  Growing up there was the usual stress of being a sibling vying for parental affection.  Though I loved playing softball, the competition was highly stressful, and that was before parents went off the deep end like today's rabid parent-spectators.  I'm generally inclined to throw games so that I can focus more on conversation and laughter.

Given how much I hate the stress of competition, if it's a built-in feature of me, I need to make peace with it.  So here we go.  I think that understood fully and approached correctly, competition can be a useful tool.  As I mentioned earlier, it keeps me from becoming complacent.  It helps me set goals and drives me to reach them.

The trick is to not let competition move the spotlight from what really matters (in this case becoming healthy) to a distraction.  If drive and internal competition are what I need to keep going, so be it.  I like setting a calorie-burn goal and sweating it out till I get there.  I like lifting more weight than I thought I could.

So why would a non-competitive person enter a weight loss competition, knowing full well she has very little chance of finishing in the top half, let alone winning?  Because it's a tool for me.  It gives me the opportunity me to push myself for six whole months and to see what happens.  Instead of focusing on weight for a while and then finding excuses to not try for a while, I'm making my health important to me.  And just over two months into the competition, I'm learning and growing stronger and healthier physically and emotionally. 

I've got no butt to kick except my own.  That's all the competition I can handle. 

~Karin

March 27: food as a gag

Sorry if it's a repeat - I tried sending it yesterday, but don't see it listed.

 

Once upon a time, if I so much as suspected that I'd wronged someone in some way, even if I had no idea how, I'd be consumed by guilt.  If someone was short with me or didn't act in a friendly way, I'd mentally berate myself.  Though I didn't recognize it at the time, I'd shove food in my mouth to silence the bad feelings.  How scary is that?  Somewhere in my life I had lost my sense of self worth to such a degree that I learned to symbolically gag myself.

I'm happy to say that today I'm aware of that behavior pattern and am far less likely to assume responsibility for other people's feelings.  Let me be clear: While I still take full responsibility for my actions – and I make every effort to treat others with respect – I cannot and will not take responsibility for their emotions.  That's a huge step for me.

I've kept journals off and on for many years.  Several weeks before Lighten Up started, this is what I wrote:

            Among the most important lessons I'm learning are to forgive myself for my mistakes and to love who I was and who I am.  The mistakes which hurt me most deeply are those when I have acted inconsiderately.  When I hurt someone's feelings, I tend to beat myself up mentally and to long for the impossible: to undo what's done.  By the end of 2010 I had asked the forgiveness of everyone I could think of that I had hurt (it was not always given).  I chose to forgive myself.  Now it's time to move beyond self-recrimination.       

            Learning to love who I was (insecure, vulnerable, and selfish) and who I am (less insecure and hopefully less frequently selfish) has brought me back to my center and given me the ability to be a better mother, wife, sister, and daughter.  Since I choose to love myself, I don't feel constantly under attack by those around me.  I occasionally feel vulnerable, but I explore the reasons and work through, rather than suppress, my feelings.  Journaling and talking with friends have been instrumental to the process.

 

There are still occasions when I'm tempted to take on someone else's drama.  But now I have the strength and maturity to step back.  It's pretty self-centered to think I'm the reason for everyone's bad mood.  Thankfully I'm recognizing that all the bad things that happen aren't my fault.  My bad mood doesn't cause the Browns to lose.  My not promptly folding the laundry didn't cause a tsunami. 

Until someone reaches out to me, letting me know that they feel wronged by something I've said or done, or not said or not done, I can't run around assuming guilt.  All I can do is live with integrity.  I'm human, I'll make mistakes, and I will be thoughtless and selfish.  I will reconcile if given the chance, but I will not mentally abuse myself. 

Losing more than 50 pounds happened in part because I've learned to take ownership for my life and I've established boundaries.  I've learned to say NO (though my current list of volunteer projects would seem to indicate otherwise) and that it's okay to say no.   I've absorbed a lesson my dad taught me: Respect other people enough to let them choose to say yes or no.  I also now respect them enough to tell me if there's something we need to work through together. 

Life is precious and short.  I choose to life it in joy.

~Karin

 

 

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass.  It's about learning to dance in the rain.

                Once upon a time, if I so much as suspected that I'd wronged someone in some way, even if I had no idea how, I'd be consumed by guilt.  If someone was short with me or didn't act in a friendly way, I'd mentally berate myself.  Though I didn't recognize it at the time, I'd shove food in my mouth to silence the bad feelings.  How scary is that?  Somewhere in my life I had lost my sense of self worth to such a degree that I learned to symbolically gag myself.

                I'm happy to say that today I'm aware of that behavior pattern and am far less likely to assume responsibility for other people's feelings.  Let me be clear: While I still take full responsibility for my actions – and I make every effort to treat others with respect – I cannot and will not take responsibility for their emotions.  That's a huge step for me.

                I've kept journals off and on for many years.  Several weeks before Lighten Up started, this is what I wrote:

            Among the most important lessons I'm learning are to forgive myself for my mistakes and to love who I was and who I am.  The mistakes which hurt me most deeply are those when I have acted inconsiderately.  When I hurt someone's feelings, I tend to beat myself up mentally and to long for the impossible: to undo what's done.  By the end of 2010 I had asked the forgiveness of everyone I could think of that I had hurt (it was not always given).  I chose to forgive myself.  Now it's time to move beyond self-recrimination.       

            Learning to love who I was (insecure, vulnerable, and selfish) and who I am (less insecure and hopefully less frequently selfish) has brought me back to my center and given me the ability to be a better mother, wife, sister, and daughter.  Since I choose to love myself, I don't feel constantly under attack by those around me.  I occasionally feel vulnerable, but I explore the reasons and work through, rather than suppress, my feelings.  Journaling and talking with friends have been instrumental to the process.

 

                There are still occasions when I'm tempted to take on someone else's drama.  But now I have the strength and maturity to step back.  It's pretty self-centered to think I'm the reason for everyone's bad mood.  Thankfully I'm recognizing that all the bad things that happen aren't my fault.  My bad mood doesn't cause the Browns to lose.  My not promptly folding the laundry didn't cause a tsunami. 

                Until someone reaches out to me, letting me know that they feel wronged by something I've said or done, or not said or not done, I can't run around assuming guilt.  All I can do is live with integrity.  I'm human, I'll make mistakes, and I will be thoughtless and selfish.  I will reconcile if given the chance, but I will not mentally abuse myself. 

                Losing more than 50 pounds happened in part because I've learned to take ownership for my life and I've established boundaries.  I've learned to say NO (though my current list of volunteer projects would seem to indicate otherwise) and that it's okay to say no.   I've absorbed a lesson my dad taught me: Respect other people enough to let them choose to say yes or no.  I also now respect them enough to tell me if there's something we need to work through together. 

                Life is precious and short.  I choose to life it in joy.

~Karin