Once upon a time, if I so much as suspected that I'd wronged someone in some way, even if I had no idea how, I'd be consumed by guilt.  If someone was short with me or didn't act in a friendly way, I'd mentally berate myself.  Though I didn't recognize it at the time, I'd shove food in my mouth to silence the bad feelings.  How scary is that?  Somewhere in my life I had lost my sense of self worth to such a degree that I learned to symbolically gag myself.

                I'm happy to say that today I'm aware of that behavior pattern and am far less likely to assume responsibility for other people's feelings.  Let me be clear: While I still take full responsibility for my actions – and I make every effort to treat others with respect – I cannot and will not take responsibility for their emotions.  That's a huge step for me.

                I've kept journals off and on for many years.  Several weeks before Lighten Up started, this is what I wrote:

            Among the most important lessons I'm learning are to forgive myself for my mistakes and to love who I was and who I am.  The mistakes which hurt me most deeply are those when I have acted inconsiderately.  When I hurt someone's feelings, I tend to beat myself up mentally and to long for the impossible: to undo what's done.  By the end of 2010 I had asked the forgiveness of everyone I could think of that I had hurt (it was not always given).  I chose to forgive myself.  Now it's time to move beyond self-recrimination.       

            Learning to love who I was (insecure, vulnerable, and selfish) and who I am (less insecure and hopefully less frequently selfish) has brought me back to my center and given me the ability to be a better mother, wife, sister, and daughter.  Since I choose to love myself, I don't feel constantly under attack by those around me.  I occasionally feel vulnerable, but I explore the reasons and work through, rather than suppress, my feelings.  Journaling and talking with friends have been instrumental to the process.

 

                There are still occasions when I'm tempted to take on someone else's drama.  But now I have the strength and maturity to step back.  It's pretty self-centered to think I'm the reason for everyone's bad mood.  Thankfully I'm recognizing that all the bad things that happen aren't my fault.  My bad mood doesn't cause the Browns to lose.  My not promptly folding the laundry didn't cause a tsunami. 

                Until someone reaches out to me, letting me know that they feel wronged by something I've said or done, or not said or not done, I can't run around assuming guilt.  All I can do is live with integrity.  I'm human, I'll make mistakes, and I will be thoughtless and selfish.  I will reconcile if given the chance, but I will not mentally abuse myself. 

                Losing more than 50 pounds happened in part because I've learned to take ownership for my life and I've established boundaries.  I've learned to say NO (though my current list of volunteer projects would seem to indicate otherwise) and that it's okay to say no.   I've absorbed a lesson my dad taught me: Respect other people enough to let them choose to say yes or no.  I also now respect them enough to tell me if there's something we need to work through together. 

                Life is precious and short.  I choose to life it in joy.

~Karin