Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Untitled but worthy nonetheless

Once upon a time I was joyful, athletic, and free.

And then one day when I was running barefoot on the sidewalk, I skinned my big toe.

And then one day when I was playing on the merry-go-round, its rotted wood slashed my leg.

And then one day when I was riding my bike I hit a bump and flew face first over the handle bars.

And then one day when I was playing softball I caught one in the face and broke my jaw.

And little by little I learned that playing hurts.

But my soul isn't really that of a spectator.  I like running.  I like biking.  I like playing softball.

Life will hurt sometimes, but do I really want to let fear of physical hurt be my prison?

Once upon a time I was trusting and relaxed.

And then one day someone broke that trust profoundly.

And then day after day, school after school I was emotionally battered.

And then I believed the lesson "Don't get your hopes up."

Do I want to let fear of emotional hurt be my prison?

Do I want my life to be a shrinking cell of false safety?


And so I risk again and learn again.  I rebuild my self.

And I feel the spark of Hope.

And I understand that with Hope there is always Joy.

And I fight the urge to fear Joy.

And I discard those lessons which have failed me and I turn to those that speak to me.

And I approach the world again.

Monday, December 19, 2011

Judge Not

Something else went click today.  "Judge not, lest you be judged" has long been a familiar warning to me.  And while it's familiar, I confess that it's not an instruction I consistently follow.  There are times when I become so judgmental of myself and others -- so sarcastic and snarky -- that I can fully understand not wanting to be around me.

Last week I was jogging along happily on the treadmill at the gym.  My heart rate was in the high 160s and I was working hard.  And then I caught my reflection and saw what (I presumed) others must see: a fat woman waddling along.  And I didn't think I was doing so well after all, and I enjoyed my workout less.  I didn't even celebrate it when I got home.

Judge not, lest you be judged.

So much of the harm I do to myself has come from judging and plugging my judgments into others -- I'm ugly / unlovable / inadequate.

With the help of my counselor, I'm learning to examine without judgment and criticism.

And here's what struck me today.  I've always thought that the "lest you be judged" part had to do with the "Do unto others" karma rule, an eye for an eye.  I judge them, they'll judge me.

But I was wrong.

"Lest you be judged" is not entirely about being judged by them but by me and then building on those negative thoughts.

So if I ever get around to writing my Ten Commandments, one of them will certainly be: Though shalt not pass judgment.

I don't know what possessed me

Incredible.  That's what it is: absolutely incredible.  Who'd have thought I would come up with such a good idea?   I was divvying up yummy rum cake leftovers after a party.  It was a potent cake, best consumed in small quantities, so there was a hefty amount left.  I looked longingly at the cake as I cut it to send home with guests.

And something clicked.

I knew I didn't want to eat the whole thing, or worse to deal with the temptation of having it in the house and not wanting to throw it away.  That would surely be a difficult battle and one that I don't need to fight. 

SO I got the brilliant idea to get a small container to keep a small amount for my husband and me, so that I wouldn't feel deprived, and gave all the rest away. 

Fighting the food addiction war one battle at a time.