regrouping

I hardly know where to begin.  I've been thinking a lot lately about how proud I am of some accomplishments of late:
   *  resuming weightlifting
   *  overcoming (w/ the help of a friend) a panic attack during Saturday's jog
   *  doing every single piece of 5k training homework
   *  tracking everything I eat -- not just the food, but the calories, too
   *  giving myself a day of no tracking and a little leeway in eating

I'm being hard on myself too:
   *   I haven't braved a swim suit yet this year, even when the air was stifling and the water was enticing
   *   I abhor everything I see in the mirror (sooner or later you have to look, even if it's just when washing your face -- and I'm not happy with any of it)
  *    I'm assuming that my appearance affects my hirability.

Today I feel like I'm paying my debt to society: I paid the fat tax for an upcoming flight.  Upon reading that one must fit entirely between arm rests 17" apart, I thought I'd better take a look.  It's not easy measuring oneself w/ a ruler, let me tell you.  I layed it across my lap, I sat on it, I stood with it.  No matter the position, the numbers were clear: either book a second seat for myself or half of my body was going to have to stay home.

I have to write this, I have to put it out there.  I have to use this motivation.  No matter what I've done, I can't stop.  I still have so much physical and mental work to do.  I can lift all the weights I want and walk a thousand miles, but if I'm winded from jogging or going up and down the stairs a few times, how in shape am I?

I'm proud and relieved that, for now anyway, I've got a good handle on healthy eating.  I'm going to need that because I've got a monumental goal ahead of me, and I'm going to have to learn to push myself through self-consciousness & panic attacks & public perception.