As I continue to receive photos of myself from the triathlon, and as I continue to celebrate the weight loss success of other contestants and friends, I feel a compulsion to apologize for myself, for how I look, for what I've done or haven't done. But you know what? That stops now.
How did I do in the contest? Let's take a look at my January application for Lighten Up.
I'm working to lose 100 pounds so that I can make the most of post-cancer life, be a role model of health to my 3 kids and their friends, and see the beauty my husband claims to see in me. I revel in the strength I feel when I lift weights or challenge myself on cardio equipment, but I struggle to overcome sweet-tooth-binges. I long to feel comfortable when I take my kids summer swimming, to wear a pretty new dress, and to boost my friends' belief in themselves. I need to overcome unhungry eating.
Am I a healthy role model to my kids? YES! I'm teaching them fitness, bravery, cooking, trying again, and knowing that they are loved and worthy of love.
Do I feel comfortable taking my kids swimming? YES! My body isn't perfect, and that's okay. I haven't seen or heard anyone making fun of me, and even if they do, I know that their derision would come from the lack of love and confidence in their lives.
Have I worn a pretty new dress? YES! I wore it and was complimented and felt great. I wasn't perfect, but so what? I had a great time, I made myself vulnerable, and I was loved.
Have I boosted my friends' belief in themselves? YES!
Do I see my own beauty? Not yet; but Rome wasn't built in a day.
Are there goals I'm still working towards? YES! And that's a good thing. Goals give me direction, a way towards that sweet feeling of accomplishment.
I've done brilliantly well and achieved things I hadn't even thought of back in January. I've ridden amusement park rides, reached my soul out to those of others, and learned to believe in myself while taking myself less seriously. I accept my geeky smile. Through rain, snow, heat, and humidity I've gotten out of my cozy bed and challenged my body at the gym. I've learned how to keep myself going when the going gets tough. I've eaten more vegetables, and even planted a garden of fennel. I've found comfort in my own skin, its imperfection, and the glory of life's preposterousness.
I am not an outsider at the party of life. I'm more than an invited guest: I'm a loved one!
~Karin
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