Overcoming Helter Skelter

I'm not sure whether to blame it on the death of my dog in November, or the ramped up holiday schedule, or the pressure to resolve myself into a perfect person for the New Year. Perhaps it was nervous energy about the long road ahead between where I am and where I want to be in terms of weight, parenting, career, and self. Maybe it was because the triathlons aren't until (at the same time already in!) July but other mettle-proving events come up much earlier.

Whatever the cause, I can only say that I cracked under the pressure. Going to the gym on a regular basis - whether early morning, midday, or night - was a struggle which took more energy than I held in reserve. At best I was getting there twice a week, but I'm pretty sure once a week was it.

My food intake was out of whack and out of control. With each unhealthy bite I imagined myself an alcoholic reaching for the bottle. I saw it but I was too wiped out to stop it.

Volunteering at three different schools (if I don't do it, who will?), at my place of worship, and at an animal shelter; navigating vegetarian recipes for me with kid-friendly recipes for my finicky one with regular good food for the rest of the family; holding it together under the requests and demands of family; losing sight of my husband, my friends, and me. No wonder I couldn't summon the energy to get out of bed at 5:30a.m. and found myself falling asleep at 8:00p.m.

In the last week or two I gave myself permission to not go to the gym for a while. I made the moderate choice to take our new dog for walks. I gave myself permission for one bite of foods I had mentally banished. I gave myself permission to not write and to not feel guilty or scared about not writing. I eased up on myself.

True to form, I let my worries build up in me. There were times when the external demands have been so great that I all I could do was cover my head, tornado drill style, and hope it would all pass me by.

It was pointed out to me several months ago - and it's stuck with me - that in the Christian "Our Father" one prays for "our daily bread," not for a week's worth, a year's worth, or a lifetime's worth. The wisdom is akin to that of eastern teachings: "Be here now."

My body is a symbol for my life. Right now it shows the effects of living completely helter skelter. It has poor posture and full saddle bags. I want my body to reflect the care I put into my life: good posture, strong muscles, leaner lines.

I want to take care of myself so that I can do all those things which are important to me and be there to help those I love.