Dear Diary: The hopeful

Dear Diary,

One of the headlines today reads Hopefuls gather for Biggest Loser auditions.  The hundreds of us who spent hours in line were hopeful that our sixty seconds with the casting director would be enough of a foot in the door to earn a callback.  By the time I was seen, those sixty seconds had been whittled down to twenty seconds.

I'll tell you right now that I didn't get a callback.  My phone was ready for it, but I'm not sure that I was.  On the one hand I'm pretty sure I would have benefited from time away, an extended time to focus on me, me, me.  I'd have given it my all.

On the other hand I have a whole lot of people who depend on me;  my life doesn't happen in a vacuum.  I'm part of a house of cards, and my absence would cause a lot of crashing down. 

Fortunately I also have people who don't depend on me, those pressureless gems who journey with me lightly.  No burden of dependence, but the freedom of choice.

And I have people I depend on; those many people who offer support me, those precious ones who love me.

Hopefuls gather...  It's true that like everyone else in line yesterday I was hopeful of being chosen to be a contestant on The Biggest Loser.  Lose weight real fast through a cram session of hard work with my own team of trainers, doctors, and fellow losers?  Yeah! 

Lucky for me my hope doesn't end with a silent phone.  I know that my future doesn't end with the rejection of a TV production.

I still have hope.

I still have hope that I can continue to set goals, weight-related or otherwise, and that in working toward those goals I gain strength and foster more hope.

Yes, there are times when I continue to be intimidated when I look at how much weight I have to lose.  But I've been teaching myself to shift my focus away from that intimidation.  5k training has been a great way to practice that skill.

I think that when it comes down to it, my biggest challenge is time management.  Recently I've let weeks go by without planning meals, which means more frequent disorganized trips to the grocery store, which means a whole lot of unproductive food in our house and in me.

I know that time management is a struggle for me, particularly when my 3 special blessings -- with all their unique and not-so-unique needs -- are home for the summer.  Time management really is the linchpin.  Successful time management means, in my book anyway, having enough time to care for my needs that I'm empowered to care for those around me.

How great is that?  I have enough knowledge and experience about eating right, exercise, and confidence that I'm ready to take on a new challenge.  Had I been removed from where I am, removed to the Biggest Loser ranch, I would have been getting the wrong stuff.  I'd have been getting stuff I already have.

What I need is here, at home.  What I need is to take all that I have been given and all that I've fought for, and to move forward.

I hope that a year from now I can say that not being chosen for The Biggest Loser was one of the best things to ever happen to my weight loss.  I'm hopeful!