February 7: Words Words Words

A dear friend who is following the contest from out of state sent me a note, writing "a determined bunch, so will be interesting to follow all of you.  BUT… if this were a writing contest… you'd win hands down!"  I think she had no idea when she wrote that what a maelstrom she was unleashing in me.  Here are my reactions.

First of all, I hesitated to share my reflection publicly – for the most part, I don't like to toot my own horn or share when someone else toots it for me.  I instinctively want to apologize all over the place and say "Yes I write well, but so do all of the posters.  I just happen to do it more often."  It's my tendency to want so much to prevent other people from having their feelings hurt that I'm willing to taint the pleasure of receiving a compliment.  That can't be good.  That's one of the lessons I've apparently got to work on in my continued get-healthy journey.

Okay, aside from that worry, here's a heaping helping of more.

1.  "a determined bunch":  Yep, this group of contestants is a determined bunch.  When I read everyone's stories yesterday and as I follow the blogs regularly, I become both impressed and intimidated.  All of us have good reasons to lose weight, and all of us will work as hard as we're able.  I'm intimidated because I compare myself to the others (don't do that!) and worry that while everyone else will look dramatically better in their after pictures and everyone else will have a nice percentage of weight loss, my after picture will be practically identical to my before and that I might not show any loss at all.  And get this: I am afraid to say "I don't want to finish last" because if I don't finish last, I'll have hurt someone else's feelings by this early statement.  Ugh!  I really need to working on caring about me and trusting others to be strong enough to care for themselves.

2.  "interesting to follow all of you": Wait!  If you're my friend, and you're following all of us, does that mean that other contestants' friends are looking at me?   Help, Linus, I need your security blanket!

3.  "if this were a writing contest…  you'd win hands down":  Reminder: this isn't a writing contest, Karin!  It's a weight loss contest.  I have to worry less about other people and focus on me and my weight loss efforts.  I have to do what I need to do in order to lose weight.  I can use euphemisms like eat right or get healthy, but the fact is I need to lose weight.  I've lost 45 pounds, but with or without Lighten Up, I need to lose more 90 pounds just to get to the top of my suggested weight range! 

Last week I slipped into a bad habit: I stopped tracking my food near the end of the week.  The result: I weighed in almost a pound heavier at Weight Watchers yesterday.  At first I was baffled, but when I realized I'd stopped tracking, I realized I'd probably been eating/drinking more calories than my body was burning.

How lame am I?  First week into a weight loss contest and I gain weight.

Once again, I tell myself, it's not about perfection, it's about persistence. 

"It's not how many times you get knocked down; it's how many times you get back up." (Custer, Lombardi, and undoubtedly more)

I applied to be in Lighten Up because losing weight is a struggle for me and I need every motivation I can get my hands on.  I gained weight little by little, and that's how I'll lose weight.  There'll be bumps in the road, but I cannot allow those to rattle me into a dead stop.

I am grateful to my friend for her note and for her continued support as we share this journey.  When you read this (and you know who you are): Thank you.  Thank you for the compliment, and thank you for helping me to regain my focus.

So far today: exercising, eating right, drinking water, and tracking!

 

~Karin